2003-03-25 - 2:14 a.m.

i have nothing to do. Today i did nothing. Well actually i wrote some poetry for Aisha because she wanted poetry. i give women what they ask for. if i can. if a woman asks for happiness i'll try but i usually fail, that's why i'm a lone. i don't know about Aisha. She's eccentric. Who knows. She's 400 miles away and i think maybe she was just curious about me. We were in a poetry class together and all my poems are about sex. She probably wondered how i kiss. As she told me after a few dozen, she was surprised by how i kiss. i may be a horny bad ass when it comes to poetry but i'm a soft chump when it comes to lips.

My first diary entry was meant as a prose poem to Aisha. i wrote her two other poems. One of the other ones is posted at the Rob Roy, ladies man section of http://www.writeclub.net And the other, only Aisha has. i sent it to her e-mail. No response. No one ever responds.

So i was trying to spend some time with Jenny today. Another girl that i want to get to know better and spend some quality time with. As of now she is so much of mystery to me. i have talked to her for hours but i feel like she has so much history it will take a week's worth of talking to get caught up enough just to follow along. And then i lifetime to really know for sure, and even then...

i can never call Jenny because she never answers her phone. i call her friend Gina. they are practically the same person anyway. JennyandGina. i was hoping we could watch the movie Boondock Saints tonight, but Jenny isn't feeling well. So Tuesday night it is.

i come home to where my shit is for the first time in days. i sleep in my car most nights and come home every two to four days. i eat snacks and watch the war on iraq. i disgust myself. And i creep myself out. Now when i think of war with iraq i think of Aisha. i don't think of dead soldiers and civilians i think about a naked beautiful teenage girl.

i talk to my mother for a few hours about what's going on in my life. She says if i start dating a muslim girl then i'll be killed by her family. i laugh and take that as a challenge. All i want to do is make father's daughters happy. My mother complains to me about her job. i don't think anyone actually listens to my mother besides myself and even then its only once a week. A small price for the gift of life and food for literally a lifetime. Give or take a few years.

i go to the community college down the street and waste time then i go to visit my best friend, Jearme the cop. i've known him for 9 years. Today i bout a copy of Reefer madness i want to show it to him. Whenever i go to his house i have to look at his gadgets. He has all this violent stuff on the internet he has to show me. i see a man be decapitated. Bloody and gurgling throat slit and then head shown off. Fucking nasty and in my head forever. We watch a video that we saw for the first time when we were 14 or 15. A guy blowing his brains out and then the camera filming all the blood and brains and snot come out his nose.

Emily, his wife and my ex, is watching A Clock Work Orange. its the murder scene. i love the penis. Whenever i'm there we talk so much of the past, it makes me feel young and old all at once. We start to watch the film. its crazy and it makes to sense. We talk the whole way through. After the film Emily and i talk about the years when we used to date because Jearme is butchering my poetry by reading it out loud off from writeclub.net Emily in one way or another is mentioned in three of my poems. i wrote her 300 hundred and she still has them all in a binder that she brings out. Poetry i wrote when i had just turned 16. How embarrassing. Jearme begins to feel uncomfortable but then he starts reading poems written for the woman that i cheated on Emily with. Lets change the subject. Jearme shows me more videos, this time music and he plays guitar along to it all. The best guitar player that i know. The best cop that i know. i try not to know to many cops so he is the only cop i know. He shows me porn. it makes me want broadband internet. Eventually i drove home. My car handles much nicer than it did last night. i did do one thing today. i changed my oil - 1000 miles over do. No my car has power steering again, it used to sound like i was pulling the legs off a cat when i turned the wheel, now it purrs like a kitten that is licking its own crotch.

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