2003-04-08 - 11:51 p.m.

Question: Was today a good day.

Answer: i’m writing this right now, so that means that I’m alive. How bad can it be then?

Not bad actually.

So last night i slept in my car. which i do often. Let’s just say, you can’t beat the rent. I sleep in my car about 3 to 4 days a week. Its no big deal. i used to sleep over by where Ihop is in South davis and the Cops always used to bother me. They would knock on the window and ask what i was doing. what the fuck do they think. i’m covered in a blanket in the middle of the night. Sometimes twice a night they asked me stupid questions. so then i started parking my car over on Olive Street by my friend Lisa and Vickie’s place. Olive Street is the only street in davis with a trailer park and Cops never bothered me - coincidence? i think not. The only problem there was the train. the whistle would be blowing like a Johnny Cash song at 2 Am. Everything happens at 2 Am in the middle of the night. That is if I’ve gone to sleep by 2 Am. I got a little bored with Olive Street. i walked the same walk to school, past my work every day, and I wanted to see where else i could park in Davis. i parked at the university mall for a while. over by the closed grocery store. i walked into campus from the opposite direction that i used to. the change was nice and refreshing. Of course how refreshing could it be to change the way i walk to school in the morning. A truly refreshing change would be to change who i wake up with in the morning. by that i mean I wake up with someone besides myself.

Right now i’ve been sleeping in the parking lot of baker’s Square. Why? Because i got tickets at University Mall. i parked off in the corner with no one, but they cared so much that i got two tickets. the first time I figured it was because didn’t move my car in the middle of the night. So then i started moving my car, but i still got another ticket. 2nd and B is closer to school and they never give me tickets. Its still private property but i say that the city paved the asphalt of the parking lot and i pay my taxes, so fuck ‘em; I’m parking.

So i was sleeping last night and at 2:15 Kristin called me. Remember what i said about 2 Am. it was nice to get the phone call. Kristin is a loyal Write Club member and called me in the middle of the night like it says can be done on the web site. She offered me her couch. i would have taken it but i didn’t feel like driving over there. Kristin is really a nice person. i think she just isn’t used to nice guys, and i am a nice guy despite being horribly loquacious self centered insensitive asshole, so she is trying to give me stuff, like her couch for the night. Maybe its because she is a friend or maybe it is because I gave her a James Dean DVD for no other reason than to make her smile. I think she just can’t stand not being even. Whatever. We talked about how i sleep in my car about about writeclub.net. I think we mentioned aisha, but not really. I think it annoys kristin that i keep talking about Aisha. i think it probably annoys Aisha that i keep talking about her. Whatever. I don’t know what i’m talking about. I’m just rambling. I’m trying to sound poetic. Like I’m trying to be hemmingway. I’m actually staring at a double barrel rifle while i write this. Hemmingway? Well, I’ve said it once I’ll say it again - suicide is always an option. Its not just a bloody mess, its what legends are made of.

I woke up later than I though I would. I didn’t set an alarm clock so i figured i would just sleep for 8 hours but I slept for nearly 10. I woke up and rushed to Viticulture. i ran into Aisha on the way there last thursday so naturally I’m that will reoccur because her class is in Haring 2205 before mine. Its just nice to see a familiar face. Its nice to see someone in the hallways that knows who you are and you know who they are. even if its onbly a name. For a brief moment loneliness is alleviated from my shoulders. Now real friends are more than that, people that i can sit and talk with for hours and it just seems natural. People like Kristin, Dan, Lisa, James, Chris, Vickie, Azver, Alisha, Chuck, and Aisha. it feels natural to kiss aisha for hours, but i don’t know if that will happen again. she only kisses me when she’s drunk. that makes me want to invest stock in Jose Cuervo. She wants to get to know me better. She is actually a reserved person. When we were talking as a group on Monday someone asked if it tickles to kiss me, because of my mustache. i naturally asked aisha because she was the only one there that knows. She said not really. then she claimed that she didn’t remember. she said she like how i kissed on the drunken evening that we kissed. later monday she said she didn’t know how she felt about me saying things like “ask Aisha about kissing Rob.” I told her that i’m an honest guy and unless she wants me to omit something then I’ll confess anything and everything to whoever asks. she said she may feel empowered by it. I want to build confidence in everyone I know. If my crass do anything style could have any positive affects it would be to influence the people I know to have more confidence.

So i didn’t run into anyone on the way to Viticulture today. But I saw Sarah going into the lecture hall at the same time I was. She had headphones on and was surveying the seating. I stood next to her and said, “see anyone you know.” She gave no response. But then she walked down and i was right behind her. She turned and saw me and was startled. She couldn’t hear me before so i repeated my joke. If i think it i say it and if i say it i want it to be heard. Nothing new in viticulture. I’m being even more tempted to just not show up and just read the reader. That's what its there for. That's why they call it, surprise surprise - a reader.

At lunch I walked Sarah over to the m. U. and we talked about the school’s anti-Semitism. I say its because our Chancellor’s name is Vanderhoff. Coincidence - of course not.

i don’t buy anything for lunch because I’m telling myself to wait to eat so I’ll only eat once in the day. I lie to sarah and say its all because they don’t have any Tofu.

At poetry we talk about Ezra pound poem “A station at the metro.” We talk about whether or not these two lines are a poem or not. The poem has 19 syllables, title not included. One girl says that it isn’t a poem. I raise my hand and say the poem has more syllables than a poem so to say this isn’t a poem would be to insult an entire genre. A couple people laugh, as was intended. At the end of poetry the last thing we hear is a Louie Armstrong song. I impersonate old Armstrong as we all walk down the stairs. I can’t do it right. I need o smoke a 10000 cigaret and drink a 1000 gallons of gin to get it right.

I talk to Shane about getting into Seele. he says he like my signature. We talk about how fucked up conservative Seele is. he got in with his poetry. i go nowhere with my poetry, other than disappointment in the publishers of poetry. I’ll never be a professional poet. I could stand out in the street with a cup in my hand and say, “I’ll offend you for a quarter.” If the world was generous then i wouldn’t starve. But it isn’t so my belly would be empty.

I see Azver and lisa on the quad. I say hi. Azver, as always gives me a high 5 and a shaken hand. I like people that are willing to touch other people. i never initiate it though so i don’t feel as part of it as they do. But Azver has that ability to make you feel somewhat included in the world’s community of 6 billion people by touching your palm with his own for a short moment.

At History I learn more about the evil white man. I wonder if I’m an evil white man. Am i just pretending. When push comes to shove am i going to cave and say fuck the minorities or am i going to practice what i preach. We’ll see.

I get out of history early and see Aisha on the quad. I go say hello but she says to stay away. I absorb people's day with my conversation. She says that I start talking to people and what i say is interesting and she just wants to listen or talk with me. I tell her that I’m on my way to class so i don’t have much time. She tells me about her sociology class. She talks about the difference between the I and the Me. About how society perceives a person and how the person perceives them self. about how a self is created. She mentions shame and i say i don’t believe in it. She says I’m not a social animal then. I tell her that I don’t think a person should be ashamed. If a person is ashamed about something then they should change that aspect about them self. if they can’t then they should just accept it and live. She talks about barbie and body image a little more and then I have to go to hemmingway class.

The professor is very animated today. Lots of jokes. Maybe someone fucked his old sleepy corpse of a body.

After class i sit out on the quad. i expect a phone call from the American River Review because i e-mailed them saying to call me in this time frame but they don’t. I read hemmingway. darcy stops by and talks to me shortly. Kristin and Grace show up and they listen to Iggy Pop and then tell me about this performer named Peaches that does vulgar feminist dance music. Then Dan shows up and we bad talk the Aggies article on IHOp that was in today's paper. We talk about the Marching band. dan and i like them, Kristin says they’re a cult. she should, she used to be a member. After a few more minutes I’m alone on the quad again.

Aisha comes up from behind and says hello at 6:30. We talk for about 15 minutes. She just came from Chorus. And she was walking through the quad and saw me. Coincidence. No, it has to be fate - right? yes, that is an overreaction. Typical of me. i walk with her while she goes and gets something to eat. We run into gordon, a friend of hers that came to our drunken poetry reading. he shows us a poem he just wrote about his bad relationship he has with his mother. he really wants my opinion. Why do people care what i think? So many poets I know care about my opinion. My opinion is worth shit. I’m just one piece of dung in the dung pile of the world.

Aisha talks about not eating pork while she waits for her burrito. i told her that I don’t eat pork. i’m just as religious as she is. She says she talks to god. Yeah so do i. I keep them all close me. God, Allah, and Jehovah - all in my pants. I have to go to work.

I see Chuck, Darcy, and some other Grad. Students playing Frisbee by Voorhies on my way to the car. they looked so happy and carefree. I thought about Entropy at that moment and how the whole universe is dying. Chuck caught a frisbee. he’s only going to catch a frisbee so many times in his life so i hope he enjoyed that one singular time to the best of his ability.

I work with Tina today. She talks about her relationship with Jonathan. i give her advice. Like i know what i’m talking about. I’ve listened to thousands of hours of Love Line on the radio, I can fix other people’s problems. But can I apply all my answers t my own. That is the question. Time is the only thing that can truly answer.

I drive home and check my mail. I see that my old girl friend Ashley signed the guest book at Write Club. I call her to see how she’s doing. I had sent her e-mail asking her how the married life is treating her. Hopefully she’ll call me back or e-mail me so I can see. I’m always curious about that foolish youthful desire for marriage. She’s only 20.

I eat and watch tV late at night. Why do i eat some much to prepare me for vigorous dreams. I eat 3 little baskets of strawberries. 2 tofuttis. Some spaghetti. and I feel fat. I need to sleep in my car more often. I shouldn’t be ashamed of my body image, but i am - so I should change it. I try to chew gum before I start eating but i have a self destructive and active tendency to shovel my mouth with food. I disgust myself. i just want to be healthy, for once in my life. And maybe it can last until the day i die.

well that’s it for the day. I’m still alive. For now.

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