2003-04-10 - 9:49 a.m.

(Before you read this read the previous entry)

So we are out on the quad. Doing nothing. Waiting for Godot, or Goddard, or Galilee. It doesn’t matter. We were wasting our life and living it in the most pleasant ways all at the same time. Then this girl comes up. Or lady. Or woman. Or whatever. She was timid and wearing different shades of blue. But all on the rather pastel side. No navy. No midnight. No passion. But we would later find out that she did have a passion. And by later I mean in a minute or two. She asked us if she could ask us a question. If she could sit down. We answered affirmative to both. She asked us what our names were. I introduced everyone. "I’m Rob, this is Aisha (being sure to say it clearly so this stranger could pronounce it correctly), and this is Dan." She said her name was Karina. And then she asked us if we knew that God loves us. I then asked her what God? Because while the Christian God says that he loves us. Allah does not. And Jehovah is somewhere in-between because, like the Jews, he has a lot of vengeance in him – of course that is also like the Islamic followers. The Christians envy all the vengeance so they are trying to catch up, but they don’t have much to seek revenge for. Because the only people that oppressed them real bad in history were the Romans and Italy has already been converted. I then say her name back to her in conversation. She is surprised that I remembered her name as Karina and she didn’t remember my name. I tell her it’s easy to remember. My name is Rob Roy, like the legend, the drink, the plaid, the movie, the book, the whatever. But just call me Rob. Only friends use both my names. She may have a friend in Jesus, but she has a stranger in me.

I would have thought that she would have wised up and left by now. But she was a determined little bugger. Dan and Aisha started paying attention now. She started talking about God’s love and asked us what our histories were. Aisha hinted that she was Muslim but was very subtle about. Dan is an agnostic but he didn’t say it in such brief terms. Karina talks more about God’s love. She recites passages from the bible like a couch potato can recite the TV guide. I’m trying to point out the loopholes of the bible. I tell her that I was raised in a Conservative Baptist home. I have been to church a thousand times, literally, and I am being prayed for at this very moment by my mother. She thinks all that isn’t too funny because how could I know all this and walk away. Skepticism is beyond her, I guess.

I finish off verses from the Bible that she starts reciting. I start twisting the Bible around. Using it as the support of arguments. She doesn’t want to talk about anything but the love of God. I talk about capital punishment and how I don’t think any Christian can believe in it because by becoming a Christian you believe in a fallibility to the death penalty. Jesus was convicted of heresy. If you believe that he is the Son of God then you do not believe that he is a heretic. So therefor you realize that innocent people are put do death by way of capital punishment, because Jesus was innocent. So by believing in the death penalty you realize you are going an innocent person every once in a while. How can you live with yourself? And after all, Christ said, "judge not yet yee be judged yourself." She isn’t following along so this isn’t nearly as fun if I was arguing with someone like my mother. Then we talk about sin. This goody two shoes thinks that she has hate in her heart. What they fuck does she know about hate. She looks like she couldn’t even kick a teletubby. At one point Aisha asks her what made her come over and sit with us. Karina says that god told her to. Any one could answer that was. Rob, why do you have a Mohawk. Because God told me to. Rob, why did you beat off this morning? Because God told me to. Rob, why do you like strawberries? Because God tells me to. Rob, why won’t women fuck you. Because God tells them not to. Well then Rob I see why you don’t like God.

Karina keeps talking about stuff that St. Paul talked about. I know all about his trips to the Ecclesiastics and the Corienthiatins. She asks us if we know how to accept god into our heart. I tell her that old spiel about believing he is not only your lord but also your savior and that you must live your life for him according to his wishes. Sounds more like a jailer than a savior. Why did she come and talk to us? We were the most interesting people on the quad. This timid 12 year girl in the body of a college student thought it would be a good idea to debate theology with a guy that has a mo-hawk, a handle bar mustache, and bright red shows, an Arab dressed in pink and poetry, and a guy with curly black hair, in a Pink Floyd shirt, with LSD and THC residue still left in his blood shot eyes. This Christian was out numbered.

I tell her that I already accepted Christ when I was 14 so does that mean that I’m covered for the rest of my life. s like an insurance policy that I only have to pay once or does he still want 10% of my earnings? Am I behind in my payments. Does Jesus charge interest. Aisha has a great reply to my statement that I’m covered. She says that just because I went to kindergarten does that mean I don’t have to keep going to school. Karina like that. I think she wishes she was still in Kindergarten. Aisha just likes to put me in my place.

I then started talking about that idea that the only way to get into heaven is to accept Christ as your savior. What about the people in the world that never hear about it. What about the people that lived in Argentina 2000 years ago. If it’s the word of God wouldn’t you think that it spreads faster than a DSL connection. no, it moves slower than a dial up connection with a 13k modem. All those people in the world that never heard of Jesus and never will are all gong to burn in hell. Dan thinks that is fucked. He gets angry and leaves because Karina doesn’t choose to realize this flaw in her ideology because she doesn’t have an answer for it. She essentially says that those people will know god. But she didn’t know god before someone told her about him. Doesn’t matter, they will know god. As I said, Dan got pissed and left.

Aisha says that she doesn’t trust the charismatic believers of religion because of what they do. Its too often you hear about priests fucking little boys. I have a hobby of offending people so I have a desire to say one of my crackpot theories. But I say I’m not going to because it’s disgusting. Karina asks for it so I say that I think that priest having sex with children is the will of god. Because god created man in his image. And if you see all the children dying around the world of leukemia, still frail and beautiful and innocent, they go to heaven. Why, because God has sex with him. Those big deity penis fits real firm in the orifice of a child. So that means that the priests are just doing what their creator would do. This offends Aisha very much so. I say that I’m just searching for the motive of the molesters, besides just that they are sick fucks. Aisha thinks that I’m a sick fuck for thinking of that idea. I know I’m a sick fuck. Would anyone want to trade minds with me. I don’t think so. Karina isn’t really offended because I don’t think the neurons in her brain move fast enough to reach the speed of offense. She’s really nice and dumb. She’s really sweat and stupid. She’s so innocent and annoying. She won’t leave. But Aisha does.

So now I am there alone on the quad with Karina. She keeps rambling on. I start staring off into space because now my witty comments are wasted. She talks more than I do. When I looked at her I wondered if that is how people that of me. As a person that won’t shut up. At least I pause when people start talking she doesn’t. God is inside of her. She is like Gabriel, the messenger of God, who told Adam and Eve they were evicted from Eden, and Mohammed that Islam is the true was of following the creator. At one point Karina starts singing. A soft little grade school bible song. I pitied and envied her ignorance and simplicity.

Before Aisha left she asked her if she would pray with her. Aisha said no. She asked if I would pray. I told her that I wasn’t going to become a Christian. I had blasphemed the holy sprit, which is the unforgivable sin, so it would be a waste of time. She couldn’t believe that was true, but it says so in the Bible. I’m doomed. I told her it was getting late. She still wanted to pray with me. I said fuck it, why not. She’s just too pathetic. I wanted to see what she had to say to god about me also. I don’t like people talking about me when I’m not there unless they tell me later what they say. And I wasn’t planning on asking her or god at a later date what was said. She takes my hands and closed her eyes and starting talking to Lord God. She never just said God. It was always Lord God or Lord Jesus. If she had such a personal relationship with them you would think she could drop the Lord. I don’t call Dan, Mr. Dan. She kept shaking her hands, like she was snapping the reigns of a wagon, or like she was nervous. Maybe my negative aura would infect her and God would look away. Of course not. Not god. God doesn’t look away. Ask the people of Sodom or Gomorrah that question and they’ll have a different answer while they burn in hell. God is a forgive god. Yeah right. And so if the Texas court system.

She kept repeating my name. For a college age little white girl she certainly was doing a rather haunting impersonation of a shaman. She prayed for Aisha, whom she remembered because Aisha told her that Aisha means alive in Arabic. Karina kept referring to Aisha believing Alive in the prayer. No shit she’s alive she just left 15 minutes ago. Maybe Karina was worried that the marching band ran over Aisha, there are some vicious Tuba players. She couldn’t remember Dan’s name so she referred to him as the curly haired guy. What if God considers Dan’s hair wavy. Then Dan is screwed. She kept saying my name and talking about my Mother, because I told my mother is a hardcore Christian. She kept pausing as if she was waiting for me to speak. For once in my life I was silent. I was a nice guy because I said Amen with her. Out of pity. I believe in pity fucks and pity prayers.

I stood up and she kept talking. She said that today is still the day for salvation. The devil is going to try to distract. He say, take a nap, watch TV, Study. But you should come to Christ. I told her I would see her around and walked off. I am obsessed with having conversations come to an end. I like closure. I never thought that that was a weakness until today.

I ran into Eloise and told her about it. I also invited her to Delta Venus.

I went to the computer lab. While there Aisha called me and apologized for making my nasty comments on the quad. I pled my case saying that I like to find the motive behind things. Like a Crime investigator, because I find a motive doesn’t mean I find an excuse. Aisha still thinks I’m sick but she says she may come to Delta Venus tonight. Even though as she walked away from Karina and I she said she wouldn’t. Aisha can’t decide on a lot of stuff. She didn’t feel like talking too much today. She was feeling very introspective. But she did say that she likes playing games. Last Wednesday when she called me as I was walking through campus from her dorm to ask me what Dan’s number was. She just did it to make me jealous. She didn’t write it down. She didn’t remember it. She loves to play games. I don’t play games so we’ll see how long I put up with this. My game will be no game. I’ll call her bluff with honesty. This is getting tiresome though. It’s an experience, but I think it is failing. Aisha has to write a paper on Pablo Neruda before she comes to Delta Venus.

I run into Dan walking to Delta. He’s walking very slowly. Slowly than usual, and that means very slow. We talk about Karina the Christian and what we will read tonight. At delta I buy a Red Stripe lager and we sign up for the open Mic. The only slots are 8 and 12. Dan is 8 and I’m 12. We see Eloise and then Chris shows up. We sit off in the corner behind the performers because there is no seating. We talk more about Karina, and then the war. Because Chris talks about the war. Dan gets called to read and we go off and watch him. And then we all talk more. Aisha shows up. She sits down but keeps getting up and wondering around. Her ass can’t even be monogamous with a chair.

All the performers keep playing cover songs. No one thinks for themselves. Which is a good thing, it brings more unity to the world.

We start playing poker but Aisha doesn’t gamble for religious reasons so it’s all just for fun.

At one point Dan looks at the poem I’m going to read tonight he sees that I talk about penis in it. More specifically my nephew’s 3 year old penis. Aisha thinks I’m sick for the second time in just a few hours. I say it all has a context. She wants to read it but I tell her to wait until I perform it. I get called up and I read 4 poems. I tell the audience that I read last week while being drunk. I tell them that I read "Howl" last week. So this week I read a poem where I mention Allen Ginsberg. I read a few more. I read the one about my nephew and no one thinks I’m sick because the penis has a context to it. [the poem is posted as "Fruits, vegetables, and Blood Relations" at writeclub.net]. Aisha still thinks I’m sick. Just not as sick, I guess.

At one point Aisha gets her stuff and goes outside. I follow her a few minutes later. I shouldn’t have. I felt pathetic doing it. She's just smoking and I’m trying to make conversation. She offers me a cigarette, I guess to shut me up. But I say I only smoke pot. She asks how often I do that and how often I drink. So we talk about our vices – very slowly, as if we are trying to draw the conversation out as long as possible.

Dan comes out and says he’s going to the art building.

Eloise comes out and says she’s going home. I offer her a ride, she declines.

Aisha says she’s going to her dorm. I offer her a ride, she asks where the car is. I say by Dan’s around the corner. She says she’ll walk. I start walking with her because I’m going to go to the computer lab. I talk to her but then she says she doesn’t feel like talking or listening. I say all I need is clarification s that is all right by me. I walk with her, staying a few feet ahead because she’s dragging her feet. I feel like a moron and a fool and a imbecile and just plain stupid. Why the fuck was I wasting my time. She’s just playing games. I give up. She can have her loneliness and I can have mine.

As I walked through the parking lot of Voorhies I checked to see if Kristin’s car was there because she parks there often when she is working at Unitrans. No. I say goodbye to Aisha and walk to the computer lab. I’ve given up. If she wants a game then my lack or pursuit will be my strategy. I’ll say hello and talk to her on the quad but I won’t make a fool of myself more than I usually do on any given day,

At the computer lab I see a message from my old girlfriend Ashley, who is now married. She says she enjoys the writeclub.net site and this diary. I got an e-mail from James that says he like my diary also. Just as Kristin does also. It’s nice to hear some honest comforting words. People like my loneliness. I guess that me not so lonely.

previous - next