2003-04-22 - 3:56 a.m.

So as i walked out of ben and jerry’s Tina, my coworker, give me more tips on womanizing. She says a friend of hers told a girl he was just thinking of having a relationship with a girl and that was good enough. Getting womanizing tips from a woman is very amusing.

In the parking lot i get a phone call. My phone says it is Aisha but it isn’t. i can tell the voice. i guess that it is Nadia but it isn’t. the voice continues in the character of Aisha and then asks how my friends are: Dan, Chris, and Rune. I then know who it is. I’ve only hung out with Rune once with Chris and then talked to him at the party at Dan’s apartment complex the night before picnic day. I heard that at that party Aisha’s friend Robin went back with Rune to his apartment so I guess that the voice is Robin. She denies it but is wouldn’t be the first lie an 18-year-old girl has told. They ask what i’m doing and i say that i’m going to a party. They want to know where. i tell them the address on F Street. Then i drive to the party.

I hear music coming from the third floor while i am still on the street. I walk up the stairs and I see the red lights of the party from 40 feet down. As I walk across the walkway balcony I look for people I know. Dani sees me and is excited that I have come. Then she takes a picture of two people standing out by a sharply blue pool. Their silhouette figures are intense in the darkness. Dani thinks it looks cool and i admire her desire to capture the passion of the visual image.

I walk into the apartment and look for the booze. I see over a dozen bottle on the kitchen counter. A plethora of choices. A plethora of tastes. A plethora of deaths. A plethora of happinesses. I mix what looks like generic coffee liqueur with a combination of tequila and rum. It tastes horrible. i sip slowly. I decide at that moment to not get drunk. I’ll keep a drink in hand so people will assume that I’m getting plastered but i won’t. I’ll see if anyone notices. I’ll see if I act crazy enough sober that people assume that I’ve been drinking.

Inside I see Katrina from my Enl 100 F class. She is talking to two guys so I don’t sit with her. It isn’t so much as the competition is there but rather that they are talking about senior stuff. I don’t feel like talking about being a freshman. No one there knows I’m a freshman. But Katrina is looking very different than she did in class. Very sexual. She looked so reserved in class, but she did turn in a fairly sexual conversation about a college age girl having a conversation with her mother about sex. I only talk to her for a moment in the party about whether or not she is integrating her Chinese culture into her fiction yet. It was one of things she was dealing with in our class. She hasn’t yet.

I then go back on the balcony. Dani went out there a little earlier and mentioned playing a game. i stand by a group of people and a list of questions are answered. i think i missed the beginning of the game. And then this guy with the afro says brad Pitt. He’s right. It was some sort of celebrity guessing game. It was easy though, because there was a Fight Club poster hanging inside the apartment

I enter into the conversation and talk about Fight Club. I reveal that i am a Film Studies minor and an English Major so i own the special edition DVD and I have read the book. I talk about the differences between the book and the movie. At some point Dani gets distracted and has to walk off, Its no big deal. Its her party. Its her role to be everywhere.

I then start talking to these two guys Tim and jeremy. While I talk to them about boring college status Robin calls still pretending to be Aisha. They want to know the number. They say they can hear it from the street. I tell them to follow the music. A few minutes later they show up with Gordon and another guy. Aisha is already drunk. They all walk in. I notice Dani looking at them. Talking to guys at parties is usually pointless so i go and sit down with Dani and her friends. Dani is singing a parody of the Roxy heart song from Chicago. But she inserts her name instead of Roxy. She does a great rendition. She can sing. I then say that it is from Chicago when she is done. She is surprised that I know this. I don’t look like the show tunes type. One - I’m a man. Two - I’m not gay. Three- I have a mohawk. But i really do like show tunes. I’ve always wanted to write a musical. I reveal that i used to watch the rosie O’Donnel Show and loved it when she had on broadway acts. (I leave out that i used to date a girl for three and a half years that exposed me to a lot of musicals.)

This guy named Kenny comes out and asks if my name is Rob Roy. He says a freshman girl told him that i was there. Dani is surprised that there a freshman at her party. i tell her that a lot of people wander the streets of Davis looking for parties. I know Aisha, Gordon, and Robin because i am a party wanderer as are they. I leave out that i told them about the party. How big a party will be is rarely known when i’m invited. i’m used to the type of parties where you just invite as many people that are possible and stick them all in a room, get them drunk, and call it a party. Dani’s was a little different. I didn’t want to take credit for the misunderstanding. And the party wanderers i know are looking suspicious too. I don’t know how much i trust them. They aren’t being respectful of the personal space of the host in the party. they are going into the no one is allowed because of cats area. Aisha doesn’t respect other people that much. Well, maybe when she’s sober, but she can be rude when she’s drunk. I once watched her knock on a bunch of people’s doors at 2 am in the morning on her dorm floor. And then there was the time she fucked with Chris’ lizard that was hanging from his car window. It fell off the window. It was on the window for five years and then i invite a freshman into the car and she fucks it up. I still feel guilty and apologetic to Chris for that one.

At one point Gordon is out on the balcony walkway and wants to know what i have written recently. I take my picnic day poem out of my jacket and perform it. Aisha has heard me do it before but she says that it is genius. I think she is more attracted to me now that I’m not chasing her. Woman and their games. Well, she can have my friendship but she can also keep her loneliness.

I spill my drink while I’m performing. I will have no more alcohol throughout the night.

I go back into the party and pore myself a coke, I don’t spike it with anything, but no one else knows that but me. I talk to Aisha and Robin because they look like they feel out place. I see a huddle in the kitchen and Dani is a part of it so i join. At one point dani violently gesticulates and knocks over a cup of soda. I tell her its on linoleum and its her place so don’t worry it doesn’t look like that bug of a mess. I hear talk of an orgasm being mixed as a drink. When its done three are offered to the group. Aisha comes over and is offered one but she declines an orgasm. Dani takes one though.

Veronica, Dani's roommate, comes over to clean up the spill. It looks bigger than i thought it was. i help her clean the mess.

The music makes everyone start dancing. i start dancing. At one point Gordon comes up and says something to e about my dancing so i start freak dancing with him. he stays for a moment but runs away. i start acting like a madman and really over dancing. i Chase Gordon around. people are laughing. they are all drunk and they assume I am drunk with them.

It feels good to dance so free and sober. I love dancing. i start dancing with Dani and she seems into it. Songs come on by Madonna and Cindy lauper and The Cure. Songs everyone sing along to.

Eventually i Dani sits down in her room and I see Aisha in there also so i go in. i sit on the bed right between them. Then a bunch of people join us. i would spend the next eight hours on this bed, give or take a minute.

So people come into Dani’s room and everyone talks to one another. Aisha leaves the room. This guy named Sean and this girl Joanna start talking to us. We talk about Star trek. My favorite is Next generation and Dani’s is DS9. At one point Sean’s hand brushes against Dani’s leg and Joanna says something. they aren’t dating - they are just friends. Dani says that she shaved her legs twice in 24 hours. i then start feeling her thighs. I’m trying to tickle her, or at least that is my excuse. Sean says that I’m five inches away. I laugh. What a drunkenly honest statement. Yes, my hand is five inches away from the meaning of life.

Sean and Joanna talk about how Type O negative is Goth music while Dani checks the living room for the status of the party. I tell Sean that Type O is not gothic it is brooding epic sacrilegious metal.

When Dani comes back she lays on top of my legs. Essentially she’s inviting e to b more physical with her so my hand goes back on the thigh. My hands would spend a lot of time on her thigh that night.

We talk about mutual friends like Ihsan and Mischa. She knows Ihsan because she used to date Tim his roommate. And she knows mischa all the way back to high school. She talks with her friends about living in the dorms. sean keeps touching Dani, but Sean is drunk. There is a competition going on between us. i feel sorry for Joanna because she was talking to sean and now she is jealous of Dani. Sean is drunk and keeps putting his head down and losing control of his motor skills. He asks Joanna for a cup of water and she is too nice, and by that i mean she really is too nice, and gets it for him. He is drunk so he spills it on Dani’s bed. She isn’t happy by that. And that is no way to win the competition with me. She’s laying on top of me. her legs on my legs, her back on my arm. It is Sean that is hanging over her. She has chosen to touch me but Sean is the one choosing to touch her. But course i did strategically place my body in spaces that were most likely for her to sit in. Sean is drunk and i tell him he should go to the bathroom. I try to convince him. But he doesn’t listen. i tell him i know what the face of a drunk looks like, i do own a mirror, he should go hug a toilet. he is drunk and he doesn’t listen to me. All of a sudden he jerks toward the bathroom and knocks some stuff over. Everyone looks at him and asks if he is all right. Then he throws up what looks like a bunch of strawberry chunks. I don’t think he’ll be touching dani much anymore tonight.

He stays next to his vomit while kenny goes to help clean it up. i would help but dani is laying on top of me. Sean still refuses to go to the toilet, but eventually he stomach does the urging for him.

People are still in Dani’s room. We talk about how nice her decoration is. And she is very excited that people are at her house and in her room. She feels popular. She feels validated. i understand her glee. But i want them all to leave so she can get a whole lot of my attention. i know it is selfish, but the penis is a solitary thing looking for solitary confinement within the vagina.

Eventually everyone leaves (except for Sean who is in the bathroom). Dani sits on the couch with her roommate and talks about how great the party was. Dani and i talk about Chuck the T. A. and ho she used to date him. I tell her Davis really isn’t that small we just happen to be in a small sub group of Davis. The frat people we mostly don’t run into. The people that have no lives we don’t run into. The letters and science people are the ones we mostly know, and even then it is the artsy folk we know. i can’t believe i just called myself an artsy folk.

Veronica goes to bed and Sean emerges from the bathroom. i make the call that he is able to walk home because he wants to. i don’t know for sure. i think it was 3 am and he could stand up on his own all right so he could make his way home. i wanted to be alone with Dani.

We tried to find Sean’s glasses and jacket. he was getting impatient. he was the incapacitated one. We were helping him so he better be patient

Finally I follow Dani into her room and she puts on Nirvana unplugged. We talk about the pictures of her friends on her walls. The Pink Floyd poster. She talks about PSI Seminars a whole lot. We talked about insecurities and what type of people we think we are. i critique the people we know. Like Stan and Mischa. Stan is a cruel womanizer while Mischa is a friendly one. I’m an unsuccessful one. maybe because i don’t want to womanize i just want a woman.

The whole time we’re talking i want to kiss her. We go for almost two hours and i just want to kiss her. Chris says to be a closer. Kissing is one step closer. Eventually after i talk about how i’m too honest of a person i kiss her. She smiles and kisses me back. I kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. No tongue just lips. There is that awkwardness after I kiss someone for the first time. What should i say next. So i keep kissing. Eventually i mumble something about honesty. After all kissing her was being honest. It was what i wanted to do.

The first thing she asks me after I kiss her is how old i am. before she asked me and i declined an answer. But after a little side stepping i tell her that i’m 22. She will turn 22 on the 25th. I had talked about ben & jerry’s earlier so she asks if he’ll get free ice cream now. i say possibly. She gives me a hard time about that. i kiss her again.

She asks me to get her some Sprite so i do. She spills some on her chest on accident by crinkling the cup the wrong way. i kiss off the Spite from her skin. We talk some more about former relationships. i think she is still hung up over Tim. She was looking for his approval over the party and it upset her because he left early. i tell her that she shouldn’t measure herself by his standards. I’m a Tony Robbins kind of womanizer. i build their self esteem.

She talks about working at the Princeton review. I tell her that she teaches bullshit and she agrees. We talk about talking the SAT but i don’t tell her what i got. i do say that my PSAt said i would get a 980. i tell her i didn’t study. Basically i’m not the type to take those type of classes.

We are very different in that she goes to PSI seminars and learns about how to be a more confident person. Essentially she teaches confidence to high school students because that is what they need to take the test.

Earlier in the night before everyone started dancing she said it was a bad idea to have a party the night before easter. i said it was good because it kept the church goers away. Jesus is a party pooper nowadays. But then she said she was setting her alarm for services on Easter. i asked her if she is really going to go. She says that she wants to but if she doesn't make it she won’t be heart broken.

I tell her about some of my crazy theories about happy people tell her that i hate the sound of my own voice and i like that she talks a lot. i fear silence and I assume that if i don’t done the no one will. I don’t have to worry about that with her.

A lot of the time we’ve been talking i’ve had my had on her thigh. .A lot less than five inches away. She is wearing a burgundy tank top tight of thing. The straps kept falling down earlier while she was moving around. her friend Amy told her to keep the straps down. i like the straps falling off the shoulder and her very curly brown skin resting on her skin with no interference. At one point we take our turns in the bathroom. When i come out she has put pajamas on. I get back into bed with her and kiss her some more. Then I put my hand under her shirt and touch her breast. We lay in bed and talk softly while i message her breast. We are comfortably silent for a moment and she moves my hand to her stomach and we sit and talk some more before eventually drifting to sleep.

But is was so nice to lay in a bed with a warm body. i don’t need sex as much as i need spooning. having a woman in my arms feels so peaceful. it feels like I’m truly not alone in the universe. because at night i feel the loneliness. i feel death’s presence the loudest. Its humming like my heart beat. i hear death in my ear drum. i hear her thrashing about in my lungs. But when i press my chest into a woman’s back or wrap my arm around her shoulder while she rests her head on my chest - al is well. It is very soothing to just run my fingers through her hair or slide my hands across their skin. just to know someone is alive and sharing their warmth with me.

We wake up to her alarm and she turns it off. I have distracted her from God. She says she is a spiritual person. She is ethnically Jewish but self the need to go to Easter services, but instead spends the time in the arms of a mohawked man. That sounds like my kind of spirituality. Serenity with the human flesh.

Eventually I have to get up and go to work. I push it to the last minute. She says she may stop by. She walks me to the door and i tell her it was a great party. her room made did a little cleaning and we talk about how the mess measures the party. I give her a hug and I regret two things as i walk out the door. I should have kissed her and i should have gotten her phone number.

previous - next