2003-05-03 - 4:54 p.m.

4.26.2003 Saturday morning I was sleeping in my car when I got a phone call from Chris at a little after Ten in the morning. Of all the people to get a phone call from at that hour. This is the guy that either doesn’t sleep or when he does it is until three in the afternoon. Leanardo Divinchi stayed away for eight or so hours and then slept for a few. Chris C. stays away for 36 hours and then sleeps for twenty. But he calls me to tell me that he is going house hunting today. He is starting at eleven and he has called Vickie also so if I want to come with him then go over to his place. I change my clothes and use my rearview mirror to check myself while I apply my mustache wax. Then I drive over to Chris’. We sit and talk about the houses and the evening that we will have later. Chris is turning twenty-one at midnight. I talked to Dave S., a friend of Chris’ that works at KDVS, and he concurred that he also wants to get Chris fucked up. Chris and I then walk to a house on Sycamore lane. The house is a nice house but it has been passionately lived in. There are five inhabitants. There are five frat-boy inhabitants. The carpet looks like a marathon was threw the house. They drilled holes into the walls for cable. The kitchen has layers of dirt; it’s like the Grand Canyon of dried eggs and batter. The walls of the place have flags from China and South Korea hanging from them, but nothing else - at least in the living room. We walk around and gage whether how we can fit five people in the house. The real estate guy showing us the house is a man that I pity. As soon as he mentions something like the carpet or the walls or the tile he says they will be replaced, repainted, or remodeled. The fence had been dismantled because there is a frat next door. In the garage there was a lots of space and a Jack Daniels poster on the wall. By the doorway I mentioned that there was a lot of shoes for only five guys. About twenty shoes were piled up around the doorway. All muddy and a mess. Chris and Scott (the real estate guy) were surprised too at the shoe quantity in a house full of men. Chris and I walked back to his apartment. We talked about how great the location is of the Sycamore house, just a couple blocks from Safeway. If we wanted alcohol (If? Yeah right. When) we could sprint to the store and be back in ten minutes within ten minutes, without even using an auto. We also talk about how we want to add on a pirate title to the Pentagram house. The pentagram house of Pirates. Maybe. Or The Pirate pentagram house. Possibly. The Pirates of the Pentagram. Definitely. At Chris` place we drive to Cenerio’s pizza where Chris works. We need to look at a map. Chris makes a pizza and then some bread sticks for me. He forgets that I am a vegetarian and puts pepperoni on it. I pick it off. It’s no big deal but he apologizes. It’s not his problem to keep track of my dietary habits. Everyone tells me I don’t look like a vegetarian. Ron Jeremy doesn’t look like a pornstar so I guess we all have to watch how we judge people. So then we drive to some other houses. One is a house that just has a college student inside. The place is a three bedroom but the add says four. True, we could fit five people in it, but the add lied. The place was rundown. There is a gentleman Jack poster hanging on the inside of the front door and a Jack Daniels poster on top of the fireplace. Every room has a jack Daniels poster. I wonder if every room has a bottle of Jack Daniels. Why take a long trip to get drunk, like walking to the kitchen, just keep a bottle in your dresser right next to your socks. It was old and when the guys that lived there move out they are going to leave some of their mess – we just know it. We go to another house that is very nice and would fit us perfectly. It is three bedrooms but the garage is workable and there is an extra room that could be easily converted to a bedroom. Plus the price tag of $1700 is very nice. The only problem is that it is available now. It also comes with the washer and dryers that a previous tenant left. I wonder if it comes with the bottle of Jack Daniels on top of the fridge that the current resident may leave behind. We go back to Cenerio’s to check an address. Chris forgets where Chiles road is. He sees it on the map and realizes it’s the longest road in Davis. He feels like a failure as a pizza deliveryman and as a former Eagle Scout for losing his sense of direction. While we are at Cenerios we see a car accident. Well, we see the remnants of a car accident. We noticed a bunch of people staring at the road so we walked over. A big white truck had barreled into a little blue truck. It was blocking the road. Glass was everywhere. But death wasn’t around because the people from the white truck didn’t seem to frantic when they were talking to the people in the blue truck that were waiting for the ambulance to come and help them out. We talk to Chester, this guy that works at the karate place next to Cenerio’s about the accident. He heard it but didn’t see it. It looked loud. Firemen and paramedics showed up. This guy n a convertible mustang tried to drive through the accident. It was too hard to drive around I guess, but the cops stared him down and yelled for him to go the other way. The guy drove down Covell looking angry. I guess bleached blonde hair and a brand new sports car at 22 years old will did that to you. Fucking spoiled rich white boys. Chris and I then drive past the house on Chiles while blaring the Misfits on the stereo. Shitty location. We drive over to see if Vickie is home. She isn’t. When we go back to Chris’ car it won’t start. He says he isn’t going to put anymore money into is so he just has to be more patient. While we sit waiting for his car to resurrect itself we watch two cats fight. Its quick and its flailing and it’s the highlight of the day so far. A little bit of violence is the best kind of entertainment to a good ole American. We stop by Kristin’s for a while to kill some time. She makes me coffee. Chris declines because Chris hates coffee. He hates chocolate. He prefers the more honest stimulants. The ones that are illegal. We watch the film, "Army of Darkness." And reiterate that we want Kristin at the party tonight. Then we drive back to Cenerio’s to see where the next house we will be going to at 4 p.m. is. It is in south Davis, way south, just a couple miles short of hell. We drive to the house. It is a big beautiful place on sapphire ct. there are several other groups waiting out front. We showed up in Chris’ 1990 Honda civic. The worst car of the bunch. Everyone else is driving brand new cars and SUVs. Everyone else is in a big group. We are just the two amigos. We can take ‘em all the. But our backs against one another and shoot our way out of the place so Chris and I aren’t intimidated. But the place we are standing in front of is huge. But we are told that we won’t be looking at it. What we will be doing is driving to three houses to look at. So we pile into a caravan and are lead even father south. We go to one house. It turns out the guys that live there weren’t told that there was going to be a tour today. There are over twenty people waiting outside to walk in. We are let in and we walk around the place. We ignore any sort of direction the tour guide gives – because he doesn’t really give us any. And we walk into the living room. There is a jack Daniels banner in the living room. We go to the garage. It is the size of the house I grew up in. And more Jack Daniels posters are up, along with Captain Morgan. After that house we are lead to another. Another brand new house. It all looks the same. Not enough character for my liking. But still, Jack Daniels is up on the wall again. In a college town Big Brother has a name and it is Jack Daniels because he is always watching like the walls because he is the walls. Then we go to the last house. An older one that we could fit six to seven people in to. It has character. It has a giant bar b q. its close to the cemetery. Chris and I like that because we are bound to walk around in the middle of the night and the cemetery seems like a good destination. Jack is on the walls again. Jack is everywhere. The ambassador of Tennessee. As sweat as death and as warm as fire in your belly. Jack makes me feel alive. Chris has to go to work so we go to his place. We invite Ryan, his next door neighbor to the party. Everyone is invited. It’s like the Old Russian bread lines. Everyone can have a slice. But with us there are no lines, just booze and dancing. Funk Power.

After leaving Chris at his place i went to KDVS. it was a little before 6 o’clock. The two people on the phones for the fundraiser were Kadie and Tani. Yes that is with a d and the other is with an n. Also, Nathan D. was there. i was just checking up to see how things were going. i wanted to pick up a T-shirt too. the other day i wanted and they weren't there. Paul, the General manager of the station, was there and he gave me my T-shirt - eventually. At 6 O’clock a new phone operator was supposed to show up, but he didn’t. the only person there was Nathan D. so I was asked to stick around. i did of course. I took in over a thousand dollars worth of donations. One woman called in from Grass valley. To clarify where she really y comes from she said that they add on the G and The R to the town’s name just to be polite. She sounded stoned but she stayed on the phone with me for over half an hour. She didn’t know what kind of music she wanted. But she leaned more on the Reggae side. She donated $680. The worst thing about the two hours i spent down there was having to talk to nathan D. He is socially inept.

At 8 o'clock I had to go because Chris party was going to start around 9 or so. I stopped by Kristin’s on the way. When I walked into Kristin’s place she was with grace and they were both embarrassed because they were watching the movie “Secretary”. I knocked on the door at the moment the moment one o the characters ejaculates on another character. As I walked into the living room i saw on the TV the movie’s protagonist wiping semen off her blouse. Grace was so embarrassed. The two of them talked about the film’s porno soundtrack. I watched the end of the film with them. then I tried to convince them to come with me to the party. Grace was unsure, as was kristin. They were being typical woman trying to pull off a woe is me low self opinion. For some reason they thought that Chris didn’t like them, or at least didn’t like them enough. I told them how ridiculous that notion is. Whenever Chris sees them he talks to them. He talks about them when they aren’t there, and by that i don’t mean bad stuff. I just mean they are thought of by us because we are their friends. But eventually they agree to show up. And they are supposed to bring James over too.

I drive to Chris place. The only person their besides Chris is his roommate Matt and some girl sitting next to Matt. I always show up early at parties because i show up alone and have no idea what else to do in the mean time. I’m punctual, or at least i am when it involves alcohol.

They are watching harry Potter. People show up while the movie is ending. Chris friend jessica shows up. i’m excited about this for two reasons. one is because Chris has been talking about her for as long as i have known him and i have yet to me her. And second, jessica is fucking hot. I’m drinking booze from the keg. i gave Chris $5 for the keg weeks ago when we stopped by his friend Melanie’s house. She gave him $5 also so she was supposed to show up also. Jessica brought a 40 once of Bud light.

More people start showing up. Dave S. shows him, he brought his beard, his gut, and his big old devious smile with him. I don’t know how the conversation got to it but we started talking about my Klan stunt that i’m going to do on Wednesday. Jessica thinks I’m going to get my ass kicked but she keeps talking to me. Any woman that can maintain a conversation with me and seems genuinely interested is a woman that i feel at least some sort of attraction toward. I’m suck a pathetic whore attention. i’m going to be original and blame my childhood.

Then the conversation turned to Satan. I have read the satanic bible and I would be a satanist if i wasn’t just too goddamn lazy. But its okay to be a lazy and a Satanist. Now, by satanist i don’t mean the people that slaughter animals and kill people. this is what i explained to the group of people at Chris’ party. Satan represents man at his worst and greatest. At his most carnal and natural. Satan is indulgence while Jesus is abstinent. I may be abstinent right now but it is not by choice. Jessica says that no matter what i call it Satan is still destructive.

The same funk CD plays over the stereo over and over. its Chris’ birthday and the only music he dances to is funk. I actually see him dance a little bit. i see jessica dance a little bit also. She is wearing all black and low pants. She has an a light brown leather belt that is frayed. I want to slide by hands around her waist and brad all the frayed ends of her belt together, and then braid our own body parts together.

Kristin and grace show up but they don’t stick around. they don’t bring james. they don’t drink anything. but Kristin says she doesn’t like beer. She has told me this before. i know this. But it is Chris’ twenty-first birthday. Everyone likes beer when their friend is turning 21. They say that they are going to a show. Grace isn’t 21 either so they can’t go to the club. they stay for a few minutes. I hope they at least got to see Chris move his hips a little bit. I do remember them saying that Jessica has a “fuck me” tattoo on her back. Jessica has a star and an NV on her back because she is from Reno. i guess seeing as it is something for a guy to look at while he rides then it is called a ”fuck me” tattoo.

At one point Chris sees a group of guys walking through the parking lot. He calls them over and offers them some beer. I get some more beer and i start talking to them. This one guy is wearing matching shorts, shirt, and visor. It is all baby blue paisley. he is looking very stylish. i ask him about it and he says it belongs to this other guy in the group they call big brother. I ask them why. Big brother says because he the oldest. Another guy in the group is wearing all mauve and is constantly on the cell phone. i call him puff daddy and say that he is either a pimp or a drug dealer. Everyone laughs. i then ask big brother how old he is. he says 18. they are all high school students. the youngest one was this tall skinny white kid wearing a Kings hat. I talk to him a little about the Kings. But then i get another beer and start preaching to them. i tell them how proud i am of them. So many high school students in a college town don’t take advantage of it. I tell them they should crash as many parties as possible. They are the luckiest high school boys in davis right now. They may be getting preached at by a crazy mother fucker but they are drinking free beer. They should make it their goal to fuck a college girl. Don’t settle for eager to please eighth graders. Go for University pussy. they’ll be more proud of themselves. i tell them that i want to fuck a graduate student while I’m an underclassman. Then the guy in the mauve asks me if i want to buy any weed. i tell them that i have a decent supplier but its good to know capitalism is alive. then they nodded their heads and enjoyed the music for a bit. i bet they were amused by all the white college kids enjoys the soul brother funk. But they were four black guys and a white guy so they were laid back enough. plus, they were Kings fan and this being the Sacramento Valley - that is a necessity.

Right before midnight we had to kick everyone out because we were on our way to the bars. dave drives Chris’ car and we go to froggy’s first. there is no cover and Chris gets a stamp on the forehead. We make our way in. We look for Jessica because she is supposed to meet us here. But she isn’t there. We run into Joe, Chris friend that is in a fraternity - the only frat house i have ever been in is the one Joe lives at. Joe gets Chris a shot of Vodka. Chris tries to decline because he knows he won’t be able to handle the hard alcohol and the beer. Joe says its his twenty-first birthday goddamn it. Chris takes the shot. Within seconds he pukes into the trash can in front if the bar. the bouncer drags him outside.

We walk next door to the Cantina. i tell chris that i want to fuck his friend jessica. he says he knows. What guy wouldn’t. When he first became friends with her it was because he wanted to fuck her. Chris and i talk to Chester, from the karate place next door to Cenerio’s pizza, while Chris enjoys his free booze. We’re not feeling the cantina though. We aren’t the cantina crowd. So we go across the street to the G. St. Pub. Some pitchers are purchased and Chris gets his free drink.

We see Jessica at a table in front of the stage. i walk over and start dancing like a maniac. no one else is dancing. jessica hops up and starts dancing with me. I wrap my hands around her hips a little bit and grind. If a woman dances with me I dance with a woman. rarely do i get a chance to touch another creature so i abuse the opportunity to the best of my ability.

The song ends and Jessica goes and sits back down. i notice her friend Stephanie. Chris has talked about her also because she looks like Christina Ricci and i have had a hard on for Christine Ricci since I was nine years old in 1989. I see Chuck, Tony, and Darcy at the table next to Jessica's. i go and say hello to them. Tony says that i’m going to fuck the girl that I’m dancing with. “From his lips to gods ears,” i say.

I then go and find Chris. he is in the pool room. i see bruce and i stand by his table for half a second. he misses his shot and he blames me. i don’t think that Bruce knows my name but he knows me. he plays guitar at Delta venus on Wednesdays. Bruce stands above me. his big gray mustache at my eye level. Then he says that he forgives me and i go over to Chris. i talk to him a little bit then i go back over to Jessica’s table. Its Chris birthday and he is good and drunk. But he still knows to watch out for something crazy that i may do so he comes over to jessica’s table also. Really he is there because he wants to fuck Stephanie. Chris is turning 21. Everyone should get laid on their birthday. It should be a good damn law. I dance a little bit more and jessica and i continue our conversation on the devil.

I see Dan from legubitron and jake from the Zim Zims and Rachel. i see payam from my hemmingway class also.

I dance with jessica a bit more until the bar closes down. Woman only dance with me when they are drunk. Woman only kiss me when they are drunk. Woman only touch me or let me touch them when they are drunk. Woman don’t let me fuck them when they are drunk. No one lets me fuck them. not drunk. not sober. not ever.

God damn its been a long time.

Chuck asks me if they can go to Ben & jerry’s. i tell him sure. Darcy then tries to convince me otherwise. i grab her hand and lead her out the pup. I tell Chuck, Darcy, Tony, and the rest of their group that I can get them into Ben & jerry’s. how cool would it be for them to be at Ben & jerry;s at 2 in the morning. i’ve been at ben & jerry’s at 2 in the morning, even 4 in the morning, but they haven’t. Chuck says that they’ll get me fired but the guy that they are with says that he’ll pay. Tony really wants to go. I think that darcy changed Chuck’s mind because she is my teacher and doesn’t want to get in trouble. She talks to me on the quad and at coffee shops but maybe bars are a little different. i tell them that i won’t get fired. i’m the greatest ice cream scooper on the planet. i can throw ice cream in the air 10 feet high and catch it on a cone. The guy that is going to pay says he doesn’t believe me. he used to work at baskin Robbins and he doesn’t think that it is possible. i tell him he should put some money on it. he bets $3. i say lets go then. I have the key. i have the key to half a dozen different ben & jerry’s. Still they don’t come. Chris comes over and tells them that if they want to see something really crazy then be on the quad at 1 pm next wednesday. They want to know what. Chris just says be there and be amazed and entertained. Then we invite them to Parkside apartments where the party will continue. We give them the number and Tony says he knows where it is. Everyone has been re-invited back to Chris’ place.

I go back and hang out. the only people that end up there are Dave S. Charles - from Chris’ work, and Chris. Charles says that no pussy is coming and he is right. Seeing as we had no pussy we had some more booze. they Chris gave Charles the pepsi challenge of smoking pot out of some special apparatus. then we all got stoned. Except for Dave. I nodded off and the last thing i remember is Chris telling me to take my shoes off because I was being rude having them on.

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