2003-05-07 - 3:21 a.m.

4/29.2003

Today is Free Cone Day at Ben & jerry’s. We’ve been counting down to this day all year. Every year we count down to free cone day. Every day we erase a number on a chalkboard and write up another number, just one integer smaller. A few years ago while I was managing the Ben & jerry’s in Roseville we kept a count down up on the walls for over 250 days. That is a lot of anticipation. But as soon as I know the date I tell people. It really is the best day of the year to work at Ben & Jerry’s. Last year I was working in Berkeley and Wavy gravy helped us out for the whole day. I didn’t even ask him to help us out. He just showed up as a friend of mine and sat out front and talked to people. He thought it was a little dull so he went home to get his boom box then came back. He sat out in front of the shop and was the dj for the day. Wavy just being a friend. Being a master of ceremonies.

This year is the first free cone day that I have worked where I will not work all day. My first Free Cone Day in 2000 I worked from 7 in the morning to Midnight. I did good morning Sacramento in the morning. I showed up at the TV Station with ice cream and was a guest at the anchor panel. Mark S. Allen, a local TV anchor, was surprised at my lack of nervousness. Little did he know that I find nerves to be a weakness. I killed the butterflies in my stomach long ago. Of course I’m lying right now. I tried to kill them, but they resurrect themselves whenever I talk to a woman. My intestines are caterpillars, calm as a cocoon when I’m on stage, but they blossom into flying bugs when I try to make progress with a woman. I can talk to a woman fine, unless I want to do more than talk. I’m not good at transition from conversation to physical contact. It takes hours for me to build the courage and lots of booze - in my belly and the woman I’m attempting to connect with. But TV is easy. If you could see my face you would know that I’m a man built for Television. There’s a freak show channel, right?

So I go to campus. There I run into Sarah S. from viticulture. We talk about the impending midterm and how there isn’t class today, because of the rain. Then I tell her that I’ll be on the quad pogo-sticking in a Klan outfit on Wednesday. I see Dan and Chris because we are supposed to have a meeting about our house. It has been postponed to 3:30. I’ll have to miss a portion of my Hemingway class.

I walk down to the basement of Freeborn hall to see how KDVS looks. It is so empty now that the fundraiser is over. Now I’ll actually have to do real work. I talk to Esa and hang out for a bit. Then I go to the California aggie and fill out a form for a Write Club announcement.

Then blah blah blah. I go to Hemingway and leave early. I back to the M. U. where I see Dan, Lisa, and Vickie, but no Chris. We wait around for him to show up. He isn’t one to flake so we really wonder where he is. Maybe he got caught up watching the new TV installed into the M. U. All it does is run movie adds. It hypostases people. I walk by and see them standing in front of it like it was a car wreck, a naked woman, or a message from God. But Chris wounded be distracted by that so he shows up a little late. We talk about the houses. We are all hopeful and eager to get a great place for next year where will throw awesome parties. We start filling out the applications but then we need a bunch of information we don’t have so we postpone the applications. Plus, Vickie and Lisa have to leave.

I ask Dan and Chris if they want any free ice cream. They say sure and we walk over to Ben and Jerry’s. On the way we see Chris’ friend Rune. We talk about Aisha’s friend Robin and how we think she is into Rune. Rune tells us that she has called him because she looked him up in the directory. Chris and I watch Rune’s brother hand roll a perfect cigarette in less than 30 seconds. We talk about how rare that ability is. Then Rune talks about a girl that stayed at his house for 72 hours straight because she wanted him so bad. He was complaining. If a woman would want to spend just an hour with me I wouldn’t complain. I don’t know Rune that well. He seems like an all right guy, but he’s just average looking. No better or worse than me - minus the crazy haircut I have. So I don’t think he should be complaining. Ahhhhh, more lament over my lack of getting pussy.

We go to Ben and Jerry’s. The line is a hundred feet long. I’m tempted to make Chris and Dan wait but I don’t. I change my clothes and give them both a scoop. Then for the next few hours I dance around and throw ice cream in the air and sing along to the radio. Everyone that sees my throw the scoop thinks it is an awesome trick. I’m happy to make other people happy. I try to stay hyper because it is a great day. I see several people that I know but no more of my close friends show up.

After work we have an after party at Woodstock’s pizza. I say hello to Dave S. and Bruce over in friont of G St. pub before entering Woodstock’s. I get my own specialty pizza and convince Tina to let me get a beer. I order one and get a receipt. A beer on the boss. What a great day. While I’m sitting around talking to my co-workers a woman comes over to me and asks if I am Rob Roy the guy that sent a letter to the Aggie a little bit ago. I say yes and we talk about the letter. Her name is Megan. She says that she was happy that someone wrote a letter like I did and she agreed with it all. I tell her that I’m going to try out for a spot as a columnist next year so there may be more of my words in newsprint. She is happy about that. Then I tell her it was nice meeting her and she goes back to sit with her friends. It’s weird to meet people that already know how I am. Its not like they know me from a friend of mine, but just by my name and appearance. My co-workers ask me if I know that girl. I say I just met her. She was just a fan of my letters. They are all amused by my fame. I’m just a crazy guy with a funny haircut and a name that is easy to remember. If that makes me kind of famous at a Davis California level that is fine by me, but if only it got me laid.

4/30.2003

On Wednesday I wake up early. Today is Klan day. I only have one thing planned for the day and that is to pogo stick in a tie dyed Klan outfit. I’ve been telling people that I’m going to do this for months. When I tell people in person, “I’m going to pogo stick on the quad while wearing a tie dyed Klan outfit,” they smile and say, “how fun.” Then I reiterate that it isn’t a “clown” outfit, but a “Klan” outfit. Then they get all surprised and realize how crazy I am.

I have never pogo sticked in my life. I should have been practicing. I should have bought the pogo stick days ago. I told Jenny that it would be cool if I went in a loop around the quad while she and Gina handed out Oreo Cookies and flyers that explain why I’m doing what I’m doing. Jenny thought that that was a great idea. So I have to make the flyers and buy the cookies and buy the pogo stick. I go to Target and they don’t sell pogo sticks. I guess the pogo has nearly gone the way of the dodo and is nearly obsolete. I go to Toys are Us and get the stick for $25. I take it of the box and practice in front of Toys are Us. It’s harder than it looks. A lot of things are larder than it looks. People look at me and think it is easy for me not to pummel myself upside the head every minute of the day. They think that I’ve excepted my place in the world as the town moron motley lonely fool and I shouldn’t want to hurt myself, but a fist to my head just seems to belong, and if my fist to be the fist that does it then so be it. Of course if I could have a woman in my arms then a fist to my head wouldn’t be necessary, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. So back to pogo sticking. I want to practice in the Klan outfit so I drive to behind the store. I put on the outfit and start pogoing. The one problem with the gown is when I fall foreword I don’t want it to get bunched up and make me trip over myself. When I met Henry Rollins he said he heard about one guy trying to do the Klan pogo in Kansas and he did one hop and fell face first into floor. I was smart enough to not have an ankle length hemline so I pogoed well in the gown. At one point this black guy walks over and asks me if I could spare a dollar. He doesn’t even ask me why I am pogo sticking in a tie-dyed gown that says What Would HENRY ROLLINS Do? Behind a toys R Us with no one around. He just wants a dollar so I give him one. After a grand total of about seven minutes worth of practice I drive to Davis.

I park my car and go to campus to make the flyers. Jenny said she’d try to be on campus by noon so I want to get it all done early. I see Lisa in the computer lab and remind her that today is Klan day. She won’t be able to make it. I forget to buy cookie so I go to the fast and Easy mart on B Street and buy a bunch. I grab my bag with shorts and a work out shirt and a tie dyed Klan outfit, and a pogo stick, and walk to campus.

I stand around the flagpole and people stare at me because I am holding a pogo stick. They have pogo envy, I just know it. I walk into the M. U. to see if jenny is sitting in there. She isn’t but I talk to a couple of Indian guys that like my mustache. They say that usually only guys from India can pull off the curly mustache but I’m the white guy that can. I tell them I’ll be doing something crazy on the quad at 1 p.m. Outside I talk to James by the flagpole. He brought his video camera. This will be cool. Its nice to know that it will be documented. If people don’t understand me then my death will be documented. If I ever die during a piece of jackass art and it is filmed I want that film broadcasted from every satellite in the sky.

I stand around and talk to James. Azver shows up and pogos a little bit. I wait for Jenny and Gina. The time gets later and later. I see more and more people I know. I see Esa and Teresa from KDVS. I see Vickie and Nadia and Sarah. The bell tolls. It is one o’clock. I told people there was gong to be a show so I go to the bathroom to change. I ask James to help me out but as we walk over I realize I have no idea how he can help. I go into the bathroom to change. I walk out of the stall in full tie-dye Klan regalia. My hood is on. My pogo is in hand. The freak is loose. I walk out of the stall and the guy in the bathroom looks over and his eyes widen. I nod in his direction. I bet there is a good chance he thinks he is hallucinating. Then I walk out of the bathroom and people look in my direction like they don’t know what the fuck is going on. And they don’t. I throw my bag on the ground and walk out the west doors of the M. U. I walk around so I will be coming from the direction of Wellman. I see Gina and talk to her a little bit. She is smiling because there is a rainbow Klansman next to her.

I attempt to bounce my way over to the M. U. patio but it’s hard to pogo stick in a particular direction during rush hour. As I get to the patio I see more people that I know. I see Arlen the Aggie photographer and Dan, Chris, Chris’ roommate Tom, Gus, Will, Mischa, Geoff, and many people that I don’t know. I stand in the circle in front of these people and start hoping and then I start talking. I realize that this isn’t going to go as planned because Jenny, Gina, and I didn’t set up but I have to free style. I start yelling about how I’m taking over the KKK. It is going to be a free love organization that accepts every race and sexuality. I see Jenny show up. I realize it’s hard to pogo and orate simultaneously. I hop and hop and hop and eventually get some rhythm going. I make jokes about the Klan and explain the What Would HENRY ROLLINS Do? On my chest. People are staring and that is the point. I get heckled by the Republican Party. Why are they heckling a guy that is making fun of the Klan? First Trent Lott, now this. James is a Republican, but he isn’t heckling – he’s filming. I tell you, the people that involved in the Republican Party on campus are morons.

Eventually Vickie and Dan come up and hug me. Then Dan goes back to taking pictures. Then Azver and Mischa and Geoff and Chris and Will hug me. Jenny and Gina give me a group hug. I start yelling for more people to give me a hug. Hug the pogo stick Klansman. The Ku Klux Klown. I start telling people to hug one another. The Republicans heckling refuse to hug me. When I exhausted my population of embracers they make fun of me. Then I say that no one is hugging them. The a girl hugs a guy that is wearing a shirt that says “Feminist get back in the Kitchen.” The girl must have a lot of self-respect.

My pogo stick bends but it actual helps my control over it. The GOP thinks that is even funnier that my stick is broken. But I won’t let that overcome me so I finish my piece.

I pogo for about 15 minutes, that is what Andy Warhol says I’ll be famous for, until Azver says that I’ve been going on for long enough. It wasn’t until later that I heard there were some folk behind me that didn’t understand that I was making fun of the jack ass nature of the Klan and Azver was just being sure I didn’t get my ass kicked. If a fight was going to happen I was hoping a racist would be offended but alas, no racist showed their face.

I stopped hoping around and took the hood off and then walked back to the bathroom. James follows me into the bathroom and does a little interview about how I think it went.

I walk back out on the quad and a bunch of people are there to congratulate me. They can’t believe that I went through with it. Everyone else talks shit and never follows up but I do. Now I can check pogo sticking on the quad in a tie dyed Klan outfit off the list of things to do. I stand around and talk to folk. I introduce jenny and Gina to my friends. It must be one of those awkward moments where I have talked about each group to the other group and now they finally meet. James talks to Jenny and Gina about feminism. Arlen comes out and interviews me for the Aggie. Eventually everyone starts thing out.

Jenny and Gina and I go down to KDVS because jenny brought her $134.47. That is a One hundred dollar bill. A twenty. A ten. Three one-dollar bills. One Sacagaweea dollar. One quarter. Two dimes. And two pennies. She kept it in a little green and white bag. At KDVS we have a hard time finding who we can give the money to but eventually someone takes it. They seemed confused by the bag and the denominations of the money, but jenny and Gina were amused by it. Jenny gets her CDs. A bunch of KFMDM and a Willie Nelson CD, and another I forget. Jenny talks about meeting Old Willie at a fabric store in San Francisco. He helped her carry some cloth that was too heavy.

I forget the guys name but a staff member at KDVS asks me about the scar on top of my head. I tell him the long story about my car accident. Then the four of us ponder scars for a little bit. Then I give Jenny and Gina a tour of the studio. They are very intrigued by the vast selection of CDs at the station. And then the vinyl. There is more vinyl at KDVS then porn in Larry Flynt’s closet. I introduce the two of them to Adam 1 in as he sat in Studio A. They actually had a mutual friend. A girl that went to their high school and is now a club dj.

After KDVS we walked back to their apartment complex. We stood out front and talked about my broken pogo stick and how cool it was that we actually went through with it. I look at their pants. They match. They are both wearing green cargo army pants and a black top. They both have black trench coats. They are dressed as I asked them to. In some sort of uniform because they were going to hand out the flyers that I made, but things didn’t work out that way. I liked that I had to free style, but it would have been cool to have a possess. I look at the paw button on Jenny’s pants. Oh, what I would gave to unfold that paw and unbutton…

Jenny is getting sun burned so we agree that we will see each other later at Gina’s gay film class.

[I’ll fill in these days but let me relate something that happened the other night]

5/6.2003

Tonight I got fucking lonely. I’m not getting anywhere with jenny. I’m being lead not by signs of her attraction to me just by my own hope that she is attracted to me. I’m staying up all night writing a paper for my poetry class. I haven’t been with a woman in a truly satisfying way since September. I fucked Janet in very early January but it felt so empty I barely call it satisfying. So tonight at 4 in the morning I called a phone sex line. I saw an add in Hustler. Only 69 cents a minute. Not that bad. I could probably get done in five to seven minutes. Five buck sounds steep when I could just go at it in silence or with porn but I’m just feeling extra lonely tonight. God damn, what the fuck is wrong with me. After finishing up with the phone sex girl (she claimed her name was Sabrina, she claimed she was 18, she claimed she was from Ohio, she claimed she was still in high school, she claimed to be a cheer leader - I believe Ohio and that’s about it) I go to walk back to put the phone back on its hook. And my mother is in the bathroom right next to my bedroom. I have no idea if she heard me. My door was closed and I don’t have any pants on. Its 4 in the morning. The bathroom door is open. Who know what she sees. My semi-erect softening dick? How unbelievably embarrassing. This is why a 22 year old shouldn’t live at home. This is why I shouldn’t procrastinate at writing my essays until the middle of the night. This is why I should sleep in my car more often. This is why UC Davis should have a 24-hour computer lab. This is why I’m a non-fucking loser. And knowing my mother, if she heard me, she’ll bring it up. I may claim to have no shame, but I do not want to have that conversation with my conservative Baptist mother. All I want to do is move to Davis and get laid, not necessarily in that order because that means I’ll have to wait until the summer. It can be safe to say that phone sex is a mistake. What a horribly desperate act. God, I pity phone sex operators. Strippers may have to look at men look at them. They may have to rub their bodies against men, but they can always so no. Phone sex operators hear mankind’s sickest most desperate fantasies. I’m pathetic, foolish, and ugly. And I just told the world that I’m a loser, but everyone already knew that. I just had a five-dollar orgasm that cost me my dignity too. Well, at least I’m horribly honest. This diary does say that it is anything you want to know and everything you don’t want to know about Rob Roy.

My mother leaves for work and doesn’t say whether she heard me or not. Before she leaves I help her dismantle some shelves in the mobile home that we are about to dismantle this weekend in the back yard. She thanks me for the help. And says that it is nice to be able to talk to someone in the morning. She has to be at work at 6 am 45 minutes away. I worry when she mentions that is nice to just talk to people that she will expand on what she heard me talking about but maybe she didn’t hear me. It is a possibility. I’m an honest person, but I’ll choose to believe that even if I do have to lie to myself a little bit.

I’m not lying when I call myself a loser though. I’ve lost at love, self-respect, and maintaining a healthy diet. Like I said anything you want to know and everything you don’t - about Rob Roy.

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