2003-05-16 - 4:40 p.m.

5/13

I’m still trying to wean myself off sleep. On Tuesday I woke up parked on Sixth Street, at seven something less than five hors of sleep. On Sixth Street I found a nice place where I can leave my car for a while. It’s not nearly as convenient as Baker’s Square – but shit happens. I still need to write about what happened also. Fuck, I’m behind. But I had too much fun recently to not want to document what is freshest in my mind.

I show up late for Viticulture. No big deal. I can just read everything I want to know online or in the reader. The class shouldn’t even have lectures. It should be a take home class. Its Winemaking but we don’t make wine or drink wine. The only reason to go is to meet other alcoholics to drink with, outside of class.

I sit next to Sara. The lecture is about Wine labels. We just horse around the whole time. So far Sara is the only alcoholic I know on a first name basis in the class, but I’m sure there are hundreds more.

After viticulture we go to lunch. As we walk out of this building I see Steve, from KDVS and Kristin’s party. He says hello but Sara also knows him. The three of us walk together to the M.U. where we run into James. We talk for a short bit but I have a midterm in poetry.

The midterm is easy. I treat it more as a comedy writing prompt then a essay prompt. I take it seriously, but only as serious as I can get. So I make jokes throughout my essays. I have to identify and analyze 5 poems. I wrote ten pages worth of blue book space. The highlight of my essays is when I called Walt Whitman the Tony Robbins of the nineteenth century.

After poetry I sit out on the quad and talk to James and Sara and Dan. We look at Dan’s neighbors. They are wearing MTV shirts and very low and tight jeans. They are these Egyptian girls that always dress in ways that some would call provocative and others would call slutty. The four of us debate on whether or not we would fuck a woman like that. I say that I doubt a woman like that would fuck us. Not because she is better than us, but because she is too dumb to know that the four of us are better lays than the dumb MTV type people. Although I do admit that if I was horribly desperate I would. Because lets admit. Desperate times call for separate measures. Out of the four, I’ve gone the longest without getting laid. James says that he wouldn’t. It would be like dumbing down his penis. He is right. But I refuse to categorically say that I won’t because I know that there is a possibility that I may fuck a girl like that under a very unlikely circumstances. Although it would be nearly impossible. I can only have sex with someone I respect. Someone that can maintain a conversation with me. Those MTV girls are more interesting in a flat stomach than a broadened mind. But everyone sums someone up about whether or not they would fuck them when they meat them. If anyone says otherwise they are a goddamn liar. Maybe it is just for a brief second, but whenever I meat a reasonably attractive person of the opposite sex I have a second thought about them. The old, what if. I’m human; I’ll admit it. Fucking the MTV girls is a preposterous hypothetical question. Seeing as I have met them at a party at Dan’s apartment I would say no. But just judging them from a distance I can not say no because I’m not going to judge someone like that. There are many beautiful intelligent people in the world that are perfectly fuckable. Take my self for instance. Please. Take me.

After all the hypothetical questions I go to Hemingway. It’s boring. I haven’t done the reading. But I take notes. My problem is that I have a different book than the rest of the class so I have a hard time when the instructor uses page numbers. I saved money by buying my book. But, I traded a few dollars for my sense of direction. I think I got a bum deal.

The Poetry Reading at Café Roma is tonight. I call up Josh F. because we are supposed to get drunk before hand. His line is busy.

When I show up at the reading I see a whole lot of people I know. Ihsan, Jeremy from KDVS, Diego, Bill, a bunch of people from Seele that I know – Tony and Hillary I know the best, the others are just the rest. Tony is actually talking to Dani. I say hello to her but it is weird. She doesn’t stick around. I think it is uncomfortable that we made out at that party. I gave her my number and she never called. I never got hers, but that’s just one of those things. That was a crazy night. Just like so many of my nights are. But in hind sight I don’t think it would have worked out. She was to into these PSI seminars that I think are a joke. I humored her on that night. It took me forever to kiss her because we just kept talking. I like talking, but she was nervous around me because I’m a crazy type of guy she’s not used to. All we did was kiss. No nudity. No fondling (well maybe I touched her breast once). But nothing I feel guilty about. Woman only kiss me when they’re drunk. It is the constant truth in my life at college.

Dan shows up. And then Josh shows up with his girlfriend Crystal. Just because I didn’t get a hold of Josh in order for us to go out drinking, didn’t stop Josh from drinking himself.

The reading is boring. There are some highlights. Mainly the guys that read stories, but the poetry sucks. Hillary reads some entertaining stuff. But it has some fluff to it. She’s intelligent, but she needs to have a more bare bones style because she has a lot of great stuff that gets lost in the fluff. She does say that she was unsure of reading a particular poem because she thinks it may offend some people, "But Rob Roy is here, so what the heck."

Josh is heckling the poets. He’s just talking to them occasionally, which is making people seem nervous. I ask Diana Ball, the editor in chief of Seele, when I’m going up. She says last. Josh is told he is going second to last. He gets very excited that he’ll get to introduce me. I’m excited to, because Josh is the best poet published in Seele this year.

Lisa L. and Aisha show up. Lisa reads her poems, but she seems to into being a poet. The way she reads, she has an arrogant inflection in her voice. She’s the type of person that says with pride, "I’m a poet." I write poetry but I don’t call myself a poet unless I have to. That pathetic label is a last resort. I asked Lisa l. on Saturday night how she felt about being ranked number one poet by Seele. She acted like it wasn’t a big deal, but deep down its gotten to her. For my particular brand of poetry, I would be offended if Seele liked it so much. A bunch of republican women are not my target audience. I’m glad I offended them to the point where they only put one of my poems in. Lisa reads a few of her poems. She reads one she wrote in high school. It tells you about a college literary magazine, that they publish high school poetry in the mask of university poetry. Lisa leaves right after she reads. As if she doesn’t have the respect to listen to other people’s stuff. As if the show is meant for her.

Then there is an intermission. During the intermission a lot of people get up to leave. Josh gets up on the Mic and pleads for them to stay. They don’t. Josh is disappointed. During the intermission I see Aisha talk with Diana. They are looking at the roster for the nigh. I don’t what they do but they do something.

When Josh reads he brings a beer up to the stage. He gives great introduction to his poetry. He has more stage presence and less sobriety than anyone else of the evening. Everyone is uncomfortable but he has their attention. They aren’t talking amongst themselves like they did with most of the other poets. Josh reads horribly beautiful offensive poetry.

When he is done he starts to introduce me. But then the editors cut him off. They fucked up the order so we aren’t back to back. I though that was the case because there were people that hadn’t read yet. What type of fucked up masochists want to follow the act of Josh.

Brett gets called to the stage. I like Brett so I feel bad for him. He says he is not Rob Roy. He reads some stuff about lesbians. Then when he is done Josh goes up and does a butchered abbreviated introduction for me.

I start off by reading my poem "Pick Up Lines for Horny Poets." Then I read a poem that I say is about my nephew’s penis. His penis is mentioned in it but it is more about my relationship with my nephew when he was three years old, its called "Fruits, Vegetables, and Blood Relations." At one point in the poem I’m supposed to read that my nephew comes into a room with me. I read my nephew comes into me. Josh yells that he wants to come into me. I introduce the next poem by saying it has been established that I am good with children so I read, "ice Cream Soda Fizz," a poem inspired by these high school kids I supervised in Washington D.C., years ago, Then I read a poem about a car dying on a trip to southern California, called "Disneyland or Bust (or Both)." For my finale I tell the crowd I need a woman. But more importantly I need a woman as a volunteer. I also say that I need a woman that can fake an orgasm but that is every woman so it’s no big deal. The only person to volunteer is Josh. He comes up and all he has to do is read a few words here or there for my poem, "Dogma in the Sheets." I tell the crowd this is the poem that will offend everybody. Josh is supposed to read names of deities in an orgasmic voice. He smells like beer, He smells like a human puddle of beer. While I read Josh simulates fellatio on my and grabs my crotch. During the whole time that I read the room is silent. Just like Josh, I’m an unpredictable motherfucker. If every poetry reading was how we read poetry, then maybe poetry would be dead. One girl walks out during my reading because she is too offended. How disrespectful. I listened to her read her shit yet she will categorically not listen to me read mine. Why is so much literature so weak, because it is made for the weak-minded?

Aisha reads after me. No offense to her, she is a decent poet. I’ve published her on my website. And I would have done it, regardless if she didn’t get drunk get naked and make out with me once. Just once. Aisha is a friend, but in retrospect. Once is enough. I think Aisha fucked with the list to be sure she is after me. But she is anticlimactic. I think it would have been awesome to end with Josh and I stumbled on top of one another as the finale. But what do I know, its not like I don’t put on a poetry ready once a week. Oh, wait. I do. Fuck Seele.

After the reading we are trying to round people up to get drunk with. Bill is normally down for drinking but he’s not going to come. I want to catch up to Josh. We invite Tony B. and Diana Ball. They decline our invitation. As of now we have Aisha, Dan, Myself, Josh, and Crystal. We want to find a place to drink. Aisha makes quick friends with this cute little girl named April. April volunteers her place, which is directly above Café Roma. I start singing April a crazy song from the sixties that is inspired by her apartment number. April goes upstairs to tell her roommate and to clean up a bit.

Aisha convinces Ihsan to come with us, which is awesome. I’ve been wanting to see Ihsan drunk for so long. We go to the Fast and Sleazy and but 24 cans of beer. Then we go back to the apartments above Café Roma.

April’s roommate is named Heather. She recognizes me as the pogo guy. Then I realize that the both of them hopped on my stick the other night. I thought April looked familiar, but that was a crazy night so it took a reminded to ring the bell in my head.

We all sit around their living room. Josh proceeds to ask us what we all want to do when we get out of college. No one has an idea what. I still have years to decide what to do.

Josh keeps getting closer and closer to the TV set. He is siting on a chair and we are all feeling uneasy. At one pot he spill a beer. I go and get paper towels and clean it up. I tell people I was born to clean up messes; my father is a custodian. It is in my blood.

Aisha has a beer then says she says she has to go. She leaves. Now it is weird because we thought April was Aisha’s friend. Now April and heather have a bunch of strangers in their house. It isn’t too awkward. April was in a class with Dan and both of them know me as the pogo guy.

Heather isn’t drinking. Dan is, he eventually has three beers. Ihsan doesn’t drink anything. Crystal has three beers. April has one beer. The other 16 beers are split up between Josh and I.

Dan mentions the story that i tell about the Child Molester my best friend, the Cop, beat up. I start to tell the story, and about halfway through I stand up and start acting it out. Everyone is horrified and ammused simultaneosuly.

At one point Dan brings up the story of me getting drunk at Lisa and Vicki’s place. The time when I took out my penis to show where I had hair on it. Josh and Crystal want to see it. I then tell everyone in the room that if they don’t want to see my penis then they should avert their eyes. I pull it out and Ihsan and heather get a little freaked out. I’m not sure if April closes her eyes. Crystal and josh are very interested by it. I think Dan is too busy laughing to look away. Crystal says that there is hair but it’s not a freakish amount, just freakish that there is hair there.

We keep getting more and more drunk. We read out of some of the Shel Silverstein books laying on the coffee table. April invites me to her room to listen to a Shel Silverstein Album. I’m alone wit her in her for a second, but then everyone follows. Which disappoints me because I am attracted to April and what better sensual music than Shel Silverstein.

Everyone comes in and listens. Except for Josh and Crystal. They are too drunk to walk up the stairs. April plays the Shel Silverstein. She has this record with a song "Father of a Boy Named Sue." She plays us a few more songs and then we go back downstairs.

Josh is extraordinarily drunk. He starts to eat their bananas. This makes April and heather a little peeved. Then Josh sticks the bunch down his pants. This really makes them angry. So then Josh takes a few dollars out and pays for the bananas. I feel bad that I brought this drunken friend of mine over to their house and they are being good hostesses and he is molesting their produce, so I give April a coupe of dollars. Then I eat a banana because I’m not freaked by it being in Josh’s pants and I am drunk. Josh spills more beer and I’m still sober enough to clean it up quick.

Crystal wants to see my penis again so I take it out. I start making noises with the foreskin. Once again, many pairs of eyes are closed.

We ask April about Aisha and it turns out she went down stairs to study and saw there was a poetry reading so she wanted to check it out. Aisha met her five minutes before she invited us up. We feel bad that we botched her night of studying so we volunteer to leave. Of course it is almost 3 in the morning. April says that she will come to Write Club. I gave her a flyer earlier. Everyone says they’ll come to Write Club. I think Jesus is scheduling his Second Coming at Write Club. He hasn’t shown up yet.

Josh is actually passed out in front of their apartment. Dan, Ihsan, and I collect all the beer cans and try to straighten up any mess. And then we thank our lovely hostesses and stumble back to Dan’s place. We help Crystal prop Josh up on his feet. On the way to Dan’s place I tell Ihsan that I think Aisha has a little crush on him. Or maybe she is just intrigued by him. Ihsan doesn’t quite now how to take it, but he is an intriguing person.

Josh collapses on the couch and Crystal sleeps on the floor. I go with Dan to drop off Ihsan. Ihsan lives right by Kristin so we drive by her place to show him where she lives and we try to convince him to come to a party there if she throws another one. He agrees. Then we try to convince him to write about this crazy night for his California Aggie column. He was actually taking notes earlier, unless he was drawing sketches of my penis. I think he may write about it.

I go back to Dan’s place and sleep in the sleeping bag on the floor.This is what i look like when i am drunk: Drunken Rob This photo was taken by Annaleise at a party Kristin through a few weeks ago.

5/14.2003

Josh wakes up late for work. I hear him talking to Crystal. It’s eight thirty in the morning. Once again I’m not getting a full night’s sleep. I think I really am weaning myself off sleep. It’s okay by me. I’ll be sure to cram more into my lifetime than everyone else. Fuck all of you with your 16-hour days. I’m doing 20-hour days. If I keep that up for fifty more years then I will have an extra eight years worth of living crammed into every day. It’s about the only way I’ve figured out to death. Its not cheating death, it’s just avoiding death.

Josh yells a thank you to Dan and storms out of the house. Josh is still drunk. Waking up drunk is a great way to begin the day. You wake up, and you’re already ahead of schedule.

I go back to sleep for a few more hours then walk with Dan to school in the morning. MTV is setting up for their Campus Invasion show. The two girls from yesterday are walking around in pants tighter than a noose around your neck. They are barely wearing tops. I wonder what it is like to know you are dressed as the sluttiest girl on the quad. I know it’s a bastard thing to say. But I wonder if the two of them know that no one respects them. But I will admit that they should work for a banking invest firm because you can bounce quarters off their asses.

In the M. U. I run into April form last night. I apologize once again for the insanity and I ask if anything is broken. I offer her more money for the bananas. I especially apologize for my penile episodes. Then she admits to actually looking at my penis. This intrigues me. It makes me attracted to her even more because she didn’t look away. I’m an information junkie. I can not look away from anything.

I have to go down to KDVS to get some volunteer work done. I don’t want to get behind on my hours. I need 40 in the quarter in order to get a show over the summer. At KDVS I stand around for a bit. I ask Teresa to give me something to do. I start organizing a table when a group of KDVS folk decide to go upstairs to the MTV thing to get the free bags of shit they are giving out. I go up with them and I get two shit bags. They have some mint skittles, a notebook, a one-dollar off coupon for tampons and some stickers. We look around and watch a little bit of the concert then I go back down to KDVS. Teresa has decided that she wants me to hand out flyers to the MTV crowd. Esa says that I should get my pogo stick, and so I do. I buy a red KDVS shirt first.

I run to my car on Sixth Street, grab my pogo stick. On the way back Jackson P. almost runs me over on his scooter. How funny, a crash between a pogo and a gas power scooter. I see James and Sara eating lunch as I run by with my scooter.

I hop around the quad in all the MTV stuff. I hand out over a hundred flyers. I go up to people and ask them if they like music. If they listen to the radio. If the listen to KDVS 90.3 fm. A lot of people give me smart-ass responses but I have a comeback for everyone. If they don’t listen to the radio then I tell the they would listen if they listened to KDVS. If they don’t have a radio then they can listen at http://www.kdvs.org I have a response for everything. I run out of flyers and hop back to the station. I see Aisha under a tree and she asks me for a pipe. I tell her I don’t have a pipe. But I yell it. Then I yell that I just admitted to smoking marijuana in front of hundreds of people. How dare she trick me like that?

Back at the station I sit down and wait for more flyers to be printed. This May 24, Delta Venus- dance party flyers. I go back up and hand out more flyers. Pogoing is addictive and handing out flyers is addictive. This dork (and I mean it, it says it on her shirt DORK) takes photos of me pogoing and I get her to pogo. I’ve met an insane amount of people since I got my pogo stick. It really is a great way to meant girls. As Chris says, I always have a plan. A pogo won’t get me anywhere, but it will plant a seed. Just look at April and Heath, I go over their house and they know me as the pogo man. And then a few hours later, April is looking at my penis.

I run into Crystal and ask her if Josh is okay. I invite her to the Delta Venus dance party and also the Wednesday night open mic at Delta. See Azver and he just competed in a rap battle and lost. Well, he’s still the best rapper I know.

While I’m out there handing out the dance party flyers Heather, Mario, and Kara all show up wearing identical KDVS shirts. Mario and I decide that we’re going to do Kareoke.

I see %%diary-dianabee%% and she points out the irony of her MTV experience. She was just walking through angry that MTV was on campus and then she sees all these people she knows out on the quad. She talks to me about my diary. She says she would have danced with me if she was sober. Then I tell her that I saw she was quoting me in her diary. She corrects me and says that we didn’t talk about how awkward it must have been for Dan to see us dancing. I tell her that she may be right. My diary is my perception and recollection of events. It is based on a true story but it isn’t one hundred percent accurate.

Mario sings "I can’t get no satisfaction." I do "Smooth Criminal." The MTV people won’t let me pogo and sing at the same time. I have an argument with them. I’m a fucking good pogoer. They have seen me do it for hours on the quad, but its understandable. I do my bit. I sing passionately horrible. During the solo I go out and pogo.

Afterwards I walk with Diana to get a drink of water. She shows so much benevolence by buying me a 10-cent cup for my water. Then we walk through the quad. She tells me she doesn’t link my diary to hers because she doesn’t want her friends back home to know that she smokes. Then we split ways because I’m going to the art building to wok on the burning man tent with Dan and Chris.

Out of time. Will continue later. So much more to document. Just a teaser though – I made out with a blonde haired blue eyed girl for the first time in my life on Thursday night.

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