2003-05-19 - 6:59 a.m.

5/15.2003 (the bar scene of the last entry has been revised so if you would like, click on older entries and read the bottom of the page of the last entry).

I keep tasting April as much as I can. She has a ferocious tongue. There is a wrestling battle in our mouths. One that won’t end. One we don’t want to end. If this could be a hundred years war I will have no complaints, but I have had too much alcohol for that and I must take a trip to the bathroom. I see Payam and he congratulates me on the affection I’ve receiving. I see rachel again and Dan M. from Legubitron, they are playing Pacman. I stop for a brief moment, but continue to the bathroom, quickly alleviate my bladder, wash my hands, and then return to April. To her mouth. And we return to our kissing.

It getting to be last call. I see Dan talking to a blonde and Chris talking to Heather. Its like a world has gone on with me because I left it for a few wonderful moments with April.

Our group makes our way outside. Dan brings the very giggly blond. The two of them go to the blond’s car. April has rushed across the street to sit on Heather’s lap. i run after her and pick her up and cary her a few dozen feet. She is only five feet tall so I can cary her quite easily. I’m not used to be so much larger than a woman. Now if you want to get Freudian, my mother is five feet tall, but Freud was a sick fuck. Although the Icelandic movie we watched tonight at Alternative Film Club had very Freudian overtones, so maybe it is the theme of the night.

i set April back on her feet at the corner of third and G street. We start walking together, my arm around her. Chris picks up heather and carries her, but Chris is a smaller man than I and can’t heather as easy as I. He can throw a punch, but he can’t carry a woman. Or maybe it is because heather is flailing about. He drops her.

Back at April and heather’s apartment i sit on the couch, my arm around April. I keep looking down at her. I can’t believe she is in my arms. i feel lucky and out of reality. Lonely fucks like me don’t get to hold onto beautiful woman, or at least that seems to be the pattern for me.

Dan shows up with the blond. I find out her name is Carrie. they bring two big bottles of wine. They sit down on the other couch. Chris is talking to Heather.

It turns out that Carrie is married. Dan keeps telling me to drink. He brought a married woman with him. he keeps telling me to drink. Carrie husband has been out of the country for nearly two months. She’s a lonely married woman. Dan is a lonely drunk. Dan keeps telling me to drink. But maybe by telling me he is just telling himself to drink.

April and i barely drink from the wine. Why do I need to. I don’t have an excuse for vices tonight. I have a beautiful woman to occupy by hands and mouth.

i notice the can of beer still left over from Tuesday night, beneath is the Write Club flyer with my phone number on it. I also notice the beer isn’t empty. I tell April she didn’t finish the beer from the other night. She says she’d not going to drink her ass. I’m amused by the butt reference. I may not want to drink her ass, but i’d gladly drown myself in its shape.

Chris sits down. He makes a reference to the time i pummeled myself with my fist on a drunken night. Chris loves to bring that up when we’re drunk. he always tells me he’ll kick my ass if i try to do again. April wants to know what I did. I tell her I drunk and punched myself in the head. I’m a masochist. She grins and says she’s a sadist. Sixty inches of sadism is what i’m holding on to. That makes sense seeing as she kept saying she could kick my ass at G Street. The drunken claims of drunkards, even beautiful drunkards, are still drunken claims.

We start reading Shel Silverstein and watching the Twilight Zone. Heather and april have a crush on Rod Serling. We watch the My name is Tiny Tina and I’m going to kill you doll episode. April impersonates the doll’s voice with great accuracy. I notice that April only has two Shel Silverstein books, I noticed that on Tuesday night, but I just need to clarify. I’m noticing because she said her birthday is on monday.

I keep putting my finger in April’s belly button.

As we read and watch I look at April. I’ll be honest, I’m always honest. I’m drunk. Let me run down what I have had today. Two cans of can. Two glasses of beer. A shot of Jagermesiter. One bottle wine. Over half a pitcher of beer. And then some more wine. I’m staring down April’s short wondering if I’m going to be able to touch more of her body. Then April asks me if I’d like to give her a massage. That's a rhetorical question if I had ever heard one.

She turns her back and I get to touch her body in places i haven’t yet to touch. I knead her skin and rub her down from shoulder blades to the small of her back. i kiss her neck occasionally. I am sure to press hard enough so that her muscles are molded into comfortable looseness, but not too hard so that it hurts. Like Depeche Mode said, i have to “get the balance right.”

She leans back and says to me, “I like your touch.”

Then she stands up and nods for me to follow. Fuck yes, I stand up and follow like a good horny soldier. I take her hand as we go up the stairs. At her door she has me wait while she cleans up her room a little bit. i stand patiently. i am a patient man. i can wait, but really, there can be a pile of horse shit in the floor and I wouldn’t mind so she doesn’t have to worry. But i understand self consciousness so I stand and wait for a minute. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.

She opens the door and i kiss her some more. She asks me if i want a massage. i of course, mutter a yes. She tells me to take my shirt off. i do. I lay on the bed and she straddles me. She pushes her fingers into my flesh with the perfect amount of pressure. She kisses my neck and then bites my neck. Her mouth feels good, beyond good, beyond greatness. If I were a god fearing man I would call April’s mouth heaven. It is my own personal heaven.

She asks me if i like her massage. i slur a yes. I turn over and slide off her shirt. I kiss her torso and her nipples. Her nipples are the best size, like marbles on her chest that I can roll around with my tongue. We roll around on her bed. And we kiss and we kiss and we kiss.

I’m a man and I’m drunk so I go for the button on her jeans. She holds my fingers so i stop going that direction. A boundary has been made and I am perfectly content in enjoying everything within the April’s boundaries without needing anything more than what she allows me to have. I just had to try.

We kiss and we kiss and we kiss. She straddles me and I cup her breasts. I touch her back and I just focus on feeling her body and her skin. And kissing her.

the door swings open for a second and i see Dan and heather stumbling on top of one another. My arms are wrapped around April. The stumbling drunkards close the door quickly, but i proceed to hear them ramble for minutes.

She grinds against my hard on while I touch her her torso. I do slide my hand down the back side of her jeans a few inches to feel the flesh of her bottom. She shakes gently and moans. she collapses on me says, “I came.” I grin and say, “Oh did you now.” I hold her close against me and relax on her bed. we kiss softly for a few minutes.

I am so content and drunk in her bed that I nearly nod off for a moment. She nudges me and tells me she has to get up early because her brother is graduating from law school this weekend so she has to drive to los Angles. Actually Brentwood, but she doesn’t like to clarify the Brentwood part.

We lay in her bed for a little longer. We talk about her Cable Guy poster that she got in Denmark. When I finally get the will power to stand up and put back on my shirt i look at her new G4 processor. I’m a Mac guy so the hard on that I was trying to subside returns. She shows me her film project. It is a music video that features a reoccurring puddle. I see her in it a lot. I can tell that it was entirely filmed with a 100 feet of her apartment.

As i open up the door I see Dan and Heather in heather’s doorway. Its dark and i don’t want to know what they are doing. Actually i do. i’ll admit it. But I don’t want to watch, but Dan probably isn’t going to remember it so i catalog what i see in my memories.

Downstairs Chris is talking to Carrie. He wants to know what the hell i am doing there. He tells me I need to be a closer. how come I’m not having sex with April. I forgive Chris’ frankness because he’s drunk. And its my style to get to the point also. I only go as far as allowed. I’m a gentleman so for me, making out is a game of follow the leader. i also tell Chris that April has to drive to L. A. tomorrow morning.

Carrie is crazy. She sits next to Chris and starts kissing his hands. Everything she says sounds like a prayer. She says Chris is blessed. She says it over and over again with varying word choice. She is like the Pope with C-cup breasts. I just sit and relax. I just had the best hour of my college experience so far.

Chris and Carrie are arguing over theology. She is drunk. She keeps talking about how she has been to 25 countries since graduating college in 1997. Chris tells her about when he down as a child and died for three minutes. He has been through the gates of death and he didn’t see anything pearly. She tries to comfort him because Chris is a little perturbed by this memory. Chris tells her she doesn’t have to do anything. i think Chris is a little freaked out by this married woman fawning all over him. he tells me he is going to walk to Safeway and go home. He stands up and goes up to say goodbye to Dan.

Carrie then turns to me. She is very interested in my pin that I got from the Seele reading, it says Living Author. I’m freaked out by Carrie. But I like freaking her out too. I make several biblical references because I know the bible. She knows the bible. But in hindsight I should have avoided having anything in common with me because she started fawning over me. God damn she must be lonely. She talks constantly about her husband, all the while trying to get physical affection from me. I just got all the physical affection i need for this evening in the room above me.

Carrie asks me how I got published. I tell her about the dozen or so places I’ve been published. A Christian magazine but one of her articles about travel in their magazine. I tell her about DrowningMan.net . I have never used it but i don’t want to tell her about WriteClub.net because then she would want be to publish her. I don’t mind reading the work of other UC Davis College Students as far as poetry and prose but I’m drunk and I don’t want to deal with being the lawrence Ferlingetti of Davis right now.

She needs to go to the bathroom and I realize that they are making a lot of nose upstairs. April needs to get up early in the morning so I’m going to do what i can to help. So I’m going to preacher lady and the drunken raving blue shoe-ed poet out of their apartment. Heather helps Dan and Carrie throw up for a few minutes, than I help them down the stairs. Dan needs to be propped up. I’ve seen Dan drunk, but I have never seen him this Drunk. This beats last Saturday. It didn’t even take him a week to break his drunkenness record. He is a man that stays on course to self destruction. In my book, that is admirable. If you set a goal, achieve. Even if it kills you. My goal is death. I can’t fail.

At the door Heather says she hopes we had a good time tonight. i look at her and said that i had a great time. She says, “I know you did.” Then I tell her to remind April that my phone number is on the Write Club flyer in the living room.

As we go down the steps Dan is pleading with Carrie to crash at his place. She is going to anyway because she knows she is drunk. That didn’t take a message from god for her to figure out. She tells Dan she is “a married woman and there won’t be any funny business going on.” Dan says he knows this he just wants “her presence.” I believe Dan because I have talked to him about all of our bastard lonely nights. he and I agree that the world seems like a better place when you’re able to wrap your arms around another person at night. The nights aren’t lonely when you’re not alone. carrie agrees to spend the night. I assume that means in bed with Dan, not fucking - just sleeping and breathing and living and simply maintaining a presence.

I walk on the left side of Dan, Carrie walks on the right side. Dan the six legged man. The three of us make a sort of butchered octopus.

Dan is free styling poetry. He is talking about the “Intergalactic light in the temple of the mind.” Whatever that means. i think it is a synonym for flatulence.

Carrie can’t help herself from talking about god and Jesus and the holy spirit - the other butchered octopus in this universe.

Dan starts his brand of blasphemy. Dan can’t put up with Christ when he is sober, let along when he is drunk. he has no patience when he is drunk. he can’t even wait for his words to come out of his mouth he gets ahead of himself. he goes from intergalactic light to motherfucker to the temple of the mind and back to motherfucker. his sentence structure smells like smelt beer.

When Dan blasphemes Carrie collapses on the side walk. Dan sits on the curb and curses god. maybe dan is drunk enough to the point where he can actually see god. That is real missionary work. The christian church should buy stick in Budweiser and jack Daniels and then really bring jesus to the masses.

I kneel down and ask Carrie if she remembers when jesus turned all the water into wine. She says she does. then I tell her that Dan drank all that wine so he is really drunk. never mind what he is saying.

She gets up and laughs. I pull Dan up. It takes 15 minutes to walk a Davis City Block to Dan’s apartment.

Once there I take them up stairs and they fall on the bathroom floor. The toilet bowl is the alter of drunken america.

I stand around and watch Carrie puke. After she puts out a pound of purple puke, or so. She thinks she is sober and i should go to sleep. i lay on the couch and think that they probably want water. I go to dan’s kitchen and get a glass. But Dan doesn’t have glasses, he’s too cheap. he has washed out jars. i get a peanut butter one and take it up to them. They thank me then Dan says, “I wish i had a full jar of Peanut Butter.” And carrie says, “yeah, that would be great.”

Dan has an Italian midterm tomorrow at noon. I remind them both to set the alarm clock. i offer to do it myself but they both refuse. Carrie is drunk, but sober enough to think she can take care of Dan. dan is drunk and stubborn. But when he watches Carrie puke is is very comforting. He puts his hand on her back and asks her if she is okay. It is a very childish thing to do. its like he can’t remember what people are like when they are drunk because every time is a new experience for him, because he looses his memory when he is drunk. He knows names of his friends and that is about it. maybe he could recognize his mother. maybe not.

I walk down stairs to the couch. i hear Carrie ask Dan, “Why do you drink so much?” Dan in his drunken honest stupor doesn’t waste moment and he quickly replies, “Because I’m an alcoholic and i don’t know when to stop.” Dan is rarely that blunt. I’m usually that honest, but I’m rarely blunt because that would mean I would have to concise, and when the lord made me he made a ramblin’ man.

Carrie has been throwing up but Dan hasn’t. The last think I hear before I drift off into sleep is dan refusing to throw up. he claims he doesn’t need to. I think when you get to the point where you can’t stand up on your own then that might be a time to think about cleansing your system by any means necessary, but that is just my opinion. Carrie says, “you should definitely vomit. You’ll feel so much better of you vomit.” You know alcoholism is a sickness when vomiting is sign of getting better.

I go to sleep at about 5:30 in the morning. I wake up to some thumping noses coming from somewhere in the apartment complex. i don’t know where it is coming from. It could be a neighbor. It could be from Dan’s roommate Patrick’s roommate. It could be from dan’s room. i hope he’s not fucking a married woman. I don’t hear any human voices. maybe I’m drunkenly imagining these sounds. But I hear it. It is thumping or pounding or thudding or wonder onomonopeiac word you would like to use.

5/16.2003

I wake up to Dan sitting at the kitchen table. He is talking to himself, but because i hear him, he is now talking to me. I ask him about last night. I says that carrie left a fe minutes before. Dan says he is still drunk. he can’t remember if he slept because he is too drunk to remember anything. i say that at least he knows he is ahead of schedule. But he does have a midterm today.

I ask him what time Carrie left. he says twenty minutes before. I look at a chair that is sitting close to the couch. It wasn’t there when i went to sleep. i think maybe carrie watched me while I slept. Creepy Carrie. Dan says he has bragging rights because he had a married woman sleep in his bed. he laughs while he says. god damn he is still drunk. I’ve never been as drunk as Dan is. But I guess it is a testament to his character that it takes a gallon of wine and half a pitcher of beer for him to sleep in a bed with a married woman. i don’t ask him about the thumping noises. They were two lonely people in a bed together. Drunk. All is forgiven in my opinion. She’s not my wife so she’s not my problem. If Dan can live with himself then I can live with Dan. (And next year i will, as we will be Pirates of the Pentagram.)

I walk with dan to school. He goes to study for his midterm. I go to the computer lab.

A few hours later i run into Azver and Lisa at the lab. We exchange gossip on the drunken night. Azver thinks Dan fucked the married woman. I tell the two of them about %%diary-robsucks%% and the anonymous guest book entries that talk shit about me. Then they both read my diary.

I walk with Azver to my car and give him a ride to his Suburban. I tell him when the post office closes and encourage him to pay his speeding ticket because today is his final day.

I go to work. It is very busy. I begin to tell Alisha about my crazy night. I tell her it is going to take the whole shift for me to tell her. And it does. We make an insane amount of money in three hors. We make over $13 in tip, each. That is insane money for an ice cream store. Alisha invites me to her party. she says I can invite her neighbor, Jenny J. I tell her that I’m going to see what is up with April before I do anything else with anyone else. I’m into April and April showed that she is at least in some way in to me.

Azver, Eloise, and Lisa show up at 9 pm and get some ice cream. they invite me to a drunken party that they are having with Vickie at Lisa and Vickie’s apartment. i say I will go.

James shows up for his usual at a little after 11. He tells me about the day he spent at the record store with sara. He doesn’t think he’s going to get anywhere with Sara. i tell him that sara is leaving soon. She doesn’t want anything more than friendship. Of course, April is graduating in a month so I’m being an ass by being so hopeful. Oh well, we can have a month’s worth of good times if she will have me.

I’m very excited to tell a friend bout my night so i tell james about April. he claims that she was flirting with him because she invited him to watch Twilight Zone with her. I tell him that she really likes the twilight zone and she wants to be sure that everyone appreciates it.

At midnight I go to Lisa and Vickie's I bring the last pint of White Russian Ice Cream in Northern California with me. Everyone there has gotten a hair cut to some degree. Most drastically are Eloise and Lisa. There are bags and piles of hair everywhere. I watch a video of Azver shaving on Eloise’s camera. She is really gong overboard with this project. I suggest that she can film some of my mohawk maintenance.

I get mixed a drink but Azver, a rum and coke. Then I mix everyone a ben & jerry’s mudslide. Heavy in the alcohol and heavy on great taste.

We watch the movie Hackers and talk shit about the inconsistencies, but listen does own it so it is appreciated by us.

After the movie Eloise crashes in a sleep bag on the floor and I crash on the couch.

5/17.2003

Eloise wakes up with a cramp in her leg. I wake up with one thing to do before the party tonight. Buy a gift for April. I want to get her some Shel Silverstein records. A Shel Silverstein book she doesn’t have. Or some Oingo Boingo because she loves Danny Elfman.

I tell everyone I’m going to an old record store so if they have any requests, put them in. Lisa wants old blues. I’ll see what I can do.

Eloise films Lisa shaving my Mohawk.

I give Eloise a ride home. For the longest time I didn’t think that Eloise likes me, but her allowing me to gibe her a ride home is a symbol that she thinks of me as a friend. She isn’t afraid to be alone with me. We’re not uncomfortable. The more friends the better.

Now off the Sacramento to buy a gift for April.

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