2003-05-21 - 9:06 a.m.

I JUST POSTED A LONG ENTRY ABOUT A CRAZY PARTY I WENT TO ON SATURDAY, BUT IN ORDER NOT TO TORTURE EVERYONE WITH A LONG ENTRY I SPLIT IT IN TWO. GO TO OLDER ENTRIES TO READ The Bands sucked but the beer didn't.

But the near-end of this one has some great Rob Roy style philosphy.

5/19

I wake up in Sacramento. I get a phone call from work. I want to trade a Saturday shift so I can go to the KDVS Dance party at 8pm at Delta Venus on Saturday. the only shift available to switch is mondays. I hurry and get ready and go.

Work is blah blah blah. A Guatemalan band plays at the mall during the evening. The live latin music is good. Central America knows how to make two things well: Music and booze.

After work I wrap April's birthday gifts and give her a call at 7 something to see if I could stop by and give them to her. I bought her a Shel Silverstien book from Bogey's and a few used Oingo Boingo records. Nothing expensive, I barely know the girl. But better to have a birthday present than not to. She isn't home.

Chris calls me. Him and Dan are going to see the Matrix Reloaded. I think for a brief moment that I shouldn't go because April might call me back. Who knows what might happen after a drunken birthday night. But what type of loser would i be to wait for her call. I tell them I'll go.

Chris is excited to see the film because if it sucks he wants to tell everyone. he thinks it may be another Star Wars Episode One. High anticipation - and the even higher amounts of disappointment. along the way I see Nathan from my poetry class. I saw him eating with a girl at Fuzio a little bit ago. he doesn't look happy. She just wants to be friends. Unless a man says otherwise, guys don't want to just be friends we want to fuck.

I yell at him that i hear he says I like to provoke people. all the time. He says that I do. I invite him to come with us to see the Matrix. he agrees. And so we go. We get a decent seat. Chris and dan are wondering about what type of previews they ill show. We're always interested in the pop culture garbage being fed to America.

The movie starts off slow. So slow in the first 30 to 45 minutes that nathan leaves. But then the action sequences start and they are done very well. The film isn't as great as the first one but it will do.

After the film we walk over to Dan's. Chris says that i may get a booty call at 1 am from April as my return phone call. I'm not too sure.

Dan is going to the art building so Chris and I walk to my car. I give Chris a ride home. he wants me to come in for a beer. I park. Chris thinks that i park next to where he parked, but his car isn't there. he begins to look agitated and worried. he walks a few blocks down the road and finds his car. Relief. I tell Chris that my friend Sara once bought a fifty dollar bottle of wine because she found out she got a false positive on a herpes test. that's relief. Chris once lost his car for four days. he went to different friends places asking if they had seen his car. he finally founding parked at third and b.

I go have a beer with Chris. A cockroach walks across his floor and Chris says that he doesn't bother the roaches unless they bother him. he figures that a creature that can survive a nuclear holocaust deserves some sort respect.

After a beer Chris has had a long day so he wants to go to sleep. I drive to g Street to keep myself occupied. Its karaoke night. No cover charge. I don't see anyone I know. I leave. I park on sixth street and sleep. I don't even sleep with a blanket.

5/20

I wake up several times in the morning because I parked next to an elementary school and children scream no matter what hour in the morning it is.

I make my way to school at 10. I pick up a copy of the Aggie and see my friend Lisa in Jackson P.'s ten Dollar Art comic strip. It is an event from Saturday completely told from Jackson's perspective.

Viticulture is boring. Afterwards, as usual. I go to lunch with Sara. Nothing extraordinary happens. I see James but he disappears. I walk to poetry. On my way there I notice that there is a message on my cell phone.

i call my voice mail.

"Hey Rob. Its April. We need to talk."

What the fuck does that mean? Short. Concise. And disturbing.

I go up to my poetry class and yell at Nathan for leaving the Matrix. He says it was boring. Micah hears this and asks if he at least got his money back. I then start talking to Kristen about Saturday, about how drunk she was. The I read Micah's villanelle that he wrote and is showing to his friends. It sucked. It was too go damn confusing. he worked too hard to shove some ideas into a specific poetic format.

After class I show Chuck this poem that Josh F. wrote about Poetry Workshops. He's slightly amused.

I walk out and call April. No answer. I don't leave a message. I hate playing phone tag.

I go over and sit by James, Dan, Sara, and Ashley (%%diary-ashbobash%%). I sit for a moment then go to the bookstore to buy a schedule and For Whom the Bell Tolls. I buy a peach Cobbler from the Coffee House. I like a certain amount of consistency in my life. I buy from the Co-Ho because I am consistently disappointed. I do get two big free samples of cookies. the highlight of my day.

James talks about the horrible conversation he had with Annaleise. He called her and she told him that Todd was at her place. James told her that Todd should go home. James was with Kristin, Kristin volunteered to call Annaleise. Every word spoken between the three was awkward. The conversations didn't lasting long. James keeps swearing he is over Annaliese. James is lying to himself. He is lying to his friends but at least his friends know not to believe him. We just have to get him to be honest with himself. Ashley, who just met James, tells him that he is not over Annaliese. We all tell him that. But we all tell him he needs to be over Annaliese. he constantly wants to walk her to class when he sees her. That's the past. Move on. Life sucks. What else is new? The Wheel. I guess by comparison it is.

I see Ihsan and call him over. We talk about professors and his column in the Aggie. I ask him if the penis in his latest column is an homage to my penis last tuesday. He say no. he whipped that out before I whipped it out. great pun.

On my way to Hemingway. I run into Heather. She's smiling and we talk about the bad grade she got on her physics test. I ask how April's birthday went. She said they went to True Love Cafe. Heather is very friendly with me. I make a reference to her red glasses and she lets me wear them for a second. We talk for a minutes then she tells me to go to Hemingway. I didn't tell her I was going to Hemingway. I tell her Dan is sitting in the quad because she makes a reference to him.

Hemingway is boring. Afterwards I walk with Hilary and we talk about the Seele reading. She left before the best part of the show began: Josh and I. She's sorry she missed it, but she thinks Seele is too conservative and probably was duly freaked out. She says she would have volunteered to fake an orgasmic manner of speech for my "Dogma in the Sheets" poem. Never mind the blasphemy that it would involve. Besides, its my opinion that the holy spirit is just the jizm of God. think about it. Immaculate conception. If mary was a virgin the the holy spirit is god's semen. If it isn't the semen, then it is God's penis. Do you see what I'm saying?

I say good bye to hillary then I walk toward the grass and call April. heather picks up the phone and I ask to talk to April. Heather says hold on. While april gets to the phone Heather asks me how I'm doing. I tell her I'm doing all right, besides that the fact that a woman has told me that we need to talk. I love talking to women, but I hate needing to talk to women.

April picks up the phone. I ask her how her birthday party at true love went. She said it went fine. I ask her, "So what's up? What did you need to talk about?"

April replies, "I had a really nice time the other night. I'm sorry of I led you on. But I don't want to get involved with anything with now."

It makes sense. She's graduating in a matter of weeks. But that doesn't mean we can't be friends. I'm thinking about that old Woody Allen Joke: Sex without love is a meaningless experience. But as far as meaningless experiences go - its one of the better ones you're going to have in your life time.

I reply, "Well maybe we could still hang out."

She says, "I'm really not that interested."

All I could mutter is an, "Oh." I'm not used to being speechless.

then she says, "Sorry." She pauses for a moment and gives a cold, "bye," And hangs up.

Rejection.

WOMEN ONLY KISS ME WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK.

Since you read this diary then you may have two interpretations of who I am. I could be a womanizer because i am always hunting for women. But if I am a womanizer then I certainly am a consistently unsuccessful womanizer. For all the talk about sex in this diary there has been no documentation of sex because it hasn't happened. I'm really just a lonely guy. I read in Kristin's (%%diary-design-doll%%) that she made out with her ex Mike. And before that they were having friendship with fringe benefits. Now I think that fucks up a person emotionally, but in a way I envy it. A warm body next to mine is all that I really want. I have a million never endings and every single god damn one of them is lonely. I don't even need a girl friend, although one would be nice. I just want some affection.

I don't really womanize as I do cast out a net. The skill to dating is multitasking. To cure my loneliness i have to plant the seed in several fields. now I don't mean fucking, I mean, just letting woman know who I am. So I can approach them at a later time and progress our relationship. Like Chris C. said at the whole earth party, I always have a plan. It worked, for one night at least, with April. She knew me as the pogo man. Then she came to Write Club. I gave her a loaction to find me by giving her the flyer. Always have a plan. And then pursue different women all at the same time. Almost every woman I know can probably be ranked on some sort of scale to how much i have pursued them. From "haven't even tried yet," to "almost to the point where I can be alone with her," to "next time the moment comes up when I'm alone with her I'm gong to kiss her". Its all about multitasking, and one day it will work. i know it hasn't worked yet, but one day it will.

I understand April's point of view. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. She is leaving in less than a month. Even though she had a good time on our one night together, she probably knows that she invests more time with me then it is going to hurt when she leaves. If she gets attached then she'll feel lonely when she is going away to Europe for the summer and then coming home to go to some graduate school somewhere in America. it doesn't matter how well i make out, she's willing to sacrifice physical satisfaction for emotional stability. Even if i supposedly know how to touch a woman well. I think I just don't take women for granted so when i touch one i make it last. i make them feel like they are worth something. I touch them like I am making an investment, like I am tying to make more than a good impression, like I am trying to make them remember me forever. Everyone wants to live forever, if i stroke a woman's skin the right way then there will be a certain amount of neurons in her brain devoted to the memory of me forever.

As far as her talking to Heather about the great time we had together. Maybe April was just surprised that I know making out is just an awkward game of follow the leader. More often than not a woman wants the man to do a certain amount of conquering her body. The sociological aspects of our society even exist in the bedroom and a lot of woman want the man to be somewhat in charge. But no matter what the woman is in charge, because it is her choice how far the guy goes. The man must follow her lead. he must realize what level of equality the woman wants. If the woman wants to be dominant then it is her decision because it is the man that is pursuing. it is the man that is at her mercy. I like to explore a woman's body. I like to massage her and move my hands all over her back, breasts, legs, ass - touching her with varying degrees of pressure, but where a woman allows me to go is always up to her. If a woman doesn't like me grabbing her ass then she can just move my hand away. I'll follow her lead because she has the destination inside her that I want to reach.

I know it takes a whole lot of trust for a woman to take a man into her room that she just met recently. The wold is full of horrible people that smile. Even serial killers smile. Rapists smile and tell jokes. Rapists dress in normal clothes. Clothes that are purchased at Hot Topic, Ambercrombie and Fitch, or the Salvation Army. There are many times in my life that I have considered wanting to be a woman. More importantly - I wonder what a woman's orgasm feels like? But when it comes to the fear of rapists, i have no envy felt toward women. My friend Diana wrote in her Diary about her boss saying "rape can be justified". That is a fucked up idea. My sister was raped. My mother was raped. How the fuck can someone think rape can be justified? When I think about the men that did those horrible things to my mother and my sister I get unbelievably angry. Every woman is a daughter. Many women are sisters and mothers and certainly all are friends of someone. And every woman is an equal. How the fuck can doing such a horrible act to another person be justified? I know that I am fascinated by rape. I have written several stories that deal with rape. One story is "This Is Not A Johnny Cash Song" , in which the protagonist is a rapist. All because I am intrigued by the horrible nature of humanity. Rapists and I do have certain things in common. We are both human. And we are both optimists. I'm a pathetic lonely optimist. Rapists are violent delusional optimists. They want something so bad for themselves that they become the only person that matters in their universe. I guess they are the true pathetically lonely mothefuckers.

Now, where was I?

Maybe April got freaked out by this journal, if she found it. There is a link to it at WriteClub.net . I'm tempted to stop writing in this diaryland website. I think I frighten women with it. The problem is my honesty probably. I understand the woman that make out with me. they are lonely. Everyone is lonely. They see the loneliness in me and know that I will cure them of their own for an hour or two. But they only kiss. Its enough to cure the loneliness without being so guilty in the morning. I don't blame them. Most guys are pricks that don't care, but I'm somewhat of a soft pathetic hopeful fool. Hope is an enemy. I don't play games and woman do. Even if they say they don't - they still do. If I write about how into a woman i am then she gets freaked out and isn't into me. How the fuck does that work. Nobody wants to be a in a club that would have them as a member. Do woman want honesty, or not? The problem they have with me is that they know I will hold them to any idea of honesty. if they want the truth I will give it to them, and this frightens them. A desire for an honest guy is a nice theory, but in practice they don't want it.

There are several forms of lying that are interwoven into human behavior. Lies of omission. Lies of falsehoods. And lies of cock teasing. Women claim to be interested in certain things but when confronted with the things they are into, they fear them. Take two girls at KDVS. There is Stephanie, who hosts the Non Stop Pogo Hop Sunday nights at Midnight and Jane, who hosts the Mohawk Fetish show Tuesdays at Midnight. I pogo and I have a Mohawk, but whenever i am around these women they feel so uncomfortable. Women don't know what they want. I know what i want - a woman. Read my poem "A Lonely Ode to My Desire" and that will tell you what I want in a woman.

I'm not going to stop with the diary though. because I don't want a woman that can't handle honesty. This diary is my solace. I am honest and it is comforting. Who the fuck cares? I'm too god damn lazy to hide the truth. I may be a lonely fuck, but I won't give this up. I'm Probably a fool, but I wouldn't be the first to think that.

On a side note: Read the notes section of my diary My Notes ......Are you done reading? .......Good. This robsucks person is freaking me out. Some people think that %%diary-robsucks%% is me, but it isn't. The person makes a reference to my mother having yarn in her hair. I shit you not, my mother braids her hair into pony tails every day, and puts yarn in her hair. Usually red, white, or blue. This person is now stalking my family. It is getting freaky. Okay, back to my incessant rambling.

So anyway. Hope is the foundation for disappointment. I said the other day that the hour I spent in April's bedroom was the best hour of my first college year. What an exaggeration. I'm just talking with my dick, and my dick gets excited very easily and it makes erroneous claims. The blood from the brain that rushes down to the penis during erections must take the rational thought with it. Just look at a guy check out a girl. His bottom lip drops, his eyes go glossy, and his brain looks empty.

What really pisses me off is that I ended my streak. For 22 and a half years I never kissed a blond haired blue eyed woman. Its like never going into a Starbucks, which I haven't. I wasted it on one night. I wouldn't mind if I started dating the woman. it was my big joke. I'm blond with blue eyes but I don't kiss people that look like me because my DNA hates itself. I have fucked a blonde haired blue eyed person, but myself, so I really don't count.

So anyway, enough about rejection. Its not like it won't ever happen again. There are very few sure things in life - getting rejected is one of them.

Right after i get off the phone with April I see Aisha. She is looking Aaron from the Aggie. She asks me about the class I am coming from. I guess she knows that I am coming from Hemingway. We see Dan G. and he comes over. Aisha won't admit that she is looking for Aaron, but she is. She has the hots for him. Aaron is an apathetic mother fucker that was born with a poker face. He's going to mess with Aisha's head if she tries to pursue him. he'll be the first guy that doesn't show interest, and naturally that will make Aisha more interested. I'm prepared to start pitying her.

I walk with Dan to the art building where we futilely attempt to put together our dome. We wait for Chris. Aisha says that she saw him walk through the quad earlier but he didn't say hello. Chris doesn't like Aisha that well. Or maybe isn't wasn't Chris at all. Aisha is Arab and all white men look the same so maybe she got Chris confused with someone else.

Dan and I give up on the Burning man dome for the day. I talk to this one guy named Exavier at the art building. He talks to me about my Henry Rollins shirt, so then we talk about Rollins for half an hour. I tell him about my Ku Klux Klown Pogo Act that was inspired by Henry Rollins. After that I went upstairs with Dan where I ran into Becca, this girl that lives at Diana H.'s old house. Diana H. is a friend of mine that is in Italy. Becca is throwing a party on Friday night so now i have a destination. I have to do a poetry reading in Sacramento early in the evening at Barnes and Noble on Friday but I'm sure I'll be done in time to enjoy a party. I also see Grace (%%diary-noirrealist%%). She is talking to her instructor about her grade for some painting. i liked her painting. It said her number on it, 7137. I tried to make a joke where i said to Dan "i hate all art that includes numbers, don't you?" But the joke failed. the irony would be that Dan includes more numbers in his work than grace does.

We go down to the Aggie and we convince Aaron to put Write Club in the Arts week section of the newspaper. Then I go to work. On my way to work I see Nadia H. and I talk to her a little bit about the Seele reading and she says she finally got around to reading the flyer I gave her when I did my klan pogo. she said it was really funny and poignant. Then I saw Dan at Delta Venus. I have never seen Dan just sitting at Delta venus. I have seen him there alone at an Open Mic night, but never just sitting there reading alone. he writes poetry about being there all the time. It was nice to finally see something in reality that i see so depicted on the page.

At work i worked with Tina. I told her about being rejected. I don't even know if it should be called rejection. Wait. I was just going to argue semantics. I wasn't that horribly rejected. But I was rejected. I'll face it.

%%diary-dianabee%% comes to Ben & Jerry's. we talk about her anti diary, %%diary-donoteatsoap%%. the diary talks about what a bitch she is. I don't think Diana is, but I guess someone does. I always feel awkward when i charge my friends for ice Cream. I was working with the manager today so I just gave Diana a fat discount. Some times I give free ice cream to my friends, but only when I have a surplus of free ice cream that I earned. The problem was that Diana came in with some friends of hers and I couldn't give them all free ice cream so I couldn't give anyone free ice cream. Diana was excited to see my ice cream throwing trick. She called me her hero after she saw me throw ice cream. men used to have to be generals at war, or great philosophers, or sports superstars in order to be heroes. I just throw ice cream onto cones. I guess I'm a scoop superstar.

After work i drive to Sacramento because I want to use a computer in the middle of the night. The only places I can do that is at home or at Kristin's work, if she is there. I get a phone call from Chris as soon as I drive into the driveway of my mother's place. The house that we thought we were sure to get is now in somewhat of a state of limbo. The real estate agent dicked us around. Chris is pissed off. he has downed 6 beers in an hour. He's going to go to the bars. i would go with him, but I'm not going to drive back to Davis just to drink. I may be an alcoholic, but that's just deplorable. Drinking doesn't solve problems, but it certainly gives you something to do while you procrastinate instead of finding solutions.

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