2003-05-26 - 11:41 p.m.

I just added one about Thursday night a few minutes ago. Check it out at Sometimes Love is the hardest venereal disease to get rid of.

5/23.2003

I’m obsessed with the symmetry of my mustache. As I drive to Davis I put wax in my mustache and twist it while checking myself in the rearview. The only thing I am self conscious about is my mustache.

I get work at Ben & Jerry’s late. Just on time to open the store. It is busy today. I make about $9 in tips. I work with Alisha and tell her my rejection story from earlier in the week.

Dan comes in at about five PM. I am off at six. I talk to him for a few minutes about the battle of the bands show we are going to tonight. He says he is going around the corner to Armadillo Music. When he leaves, Alisha kind of smiles because I have told many a story to her about Dan’s drinking and womanizing. She doesn’t see it. I tell her that she’s an engineering major. If she were majoring in the arts then she would be more inclined to soil her panties.

After work I go to get something to eat at Wok and Roll. The greatest cheap Chinese place in Davis California because he has the greatest name. I want to eat something because I know in less than an hour I will be drinking. I Always plan ahead. And if I can I try to be nice to my liver. Or at least as nice as I can be while I maintain my horribly self-destructive lifestyle of loneliness and drunkenness.

I go to Armadillo and ask if a skinny guy with longish curly dark hair has come in. The guy behind the counter says no.

I go across the street to Tower Records and he isn’t there. I walk over to the varsity theatre and try to describe Dan to the ticket counter woman. When she looks at me like I’m crazy, just like all of you look at me, I tell her that she’ll be seeing Dan later.

I see Dan walking with Josh F. and Crystal. The first place we go together is the fast and sleazy liquor store. Need I say more? We buy Pabst Blue Ribbon and Budweiser because We’re FUCKING AMERICANS.We walk over to Dan’s apartment and find out that the tape recorder I have is broken. We want to record conversations we have at the Battle of the Bands. We want to ask people questions like, "in a bar fight, do you think you could kick this guy’s ass?" Or, "If this lead singer talked you; would you fuck him?"

But we have to settle for pens and paper. Even though Josh volunteers to go home to his place and get his recorder. We are running late. We stuff beer into our pants. I fit five cans in, Dan can’t fit any because he’s a girly man and wears tight pants. Josh can also fit five. We drink while walking to the varsity theatre and finish our cans before entering.

I express worry that they are going to frisk us. Josh says, "I hope they do." Josh is always looking for a handjob.

Outside the Varsity I see a guy named Aaron Wheeler. Well, he sees me. He asks me what Junior High I went to. I say James Rutter. He introduces himself. I remember him because he hung out every day. I’m surprised he recognized me. Underneath nine years of living and all this facial hair he can still recognize me from my days as a thirteen-year-old.

During the show I go around and interview people. I see a lot of people I know. The high lights of the night were:

This girl named Shannon D. said some of the most fucked up shit about the bands. I like a lady with acid on her tongue. I talked to her over and over again throughout the night because she was sitting alone. What she said about The List was thus: They are better than the last time I saw them because they stopped harmonizing. Which is a good thing. Because they couldn’t.

I saw Jaizi at the KDVS table I asked where she went last night and she admitted to only being 19 years old so even though she suggested G Street Pub before she knew that we originally intended on going there. But it obvious she is dating her friend Joe. I get a sip of some Southern Comfort from his canteen.

I get some Rum from Cameron.

At one point one of the band’s is covering "Gimmee Gimmee Gimmee" by Black Flag. Josh F. walks across the stage while drinking a Pabst blue Ribbon. The irony of him doing this while straight edge music is being played is ridiculous.

After the show. We see Hoang out front of the varsity. The first thing we said about the show was that it was going to suck. Hoang offers to give us a ride. Dan, Josh, Crystal, this guy named Mike from one of the bands, and I all get a ride from Hoang. We stop by Dan’s apartment to drop off the 40 pages of notes accumulated between the two of us.

I have told a lot of people about the party. We show up at the party and it looks somewhat tame from the street. But there are a lot of people on the patio and in the back yard.

I walk in and see so many people I know I’m not even going to list them. But the party isn’t as big as I thought it was going to be.

I see Brandon and yell; "Brandon is number one." The last time I saw Brandon he was yelling, "Rob Roy is number one." Brandon wants to pore me a beer but there is a line and he is hovering above the keg. He practically gets into a fight so I can have a beer. I do get a glass though.

I see Sophie and give her a hug. She says she is glad I made it. I look around and see whether the other two women throwing the party are. I see Becca but I don’t see Meagan. This bums me out because I like Meagan. She has some wit to her. And she is on the attractive side. I’m drunk so I’m more likely to be more pursuant of women.

I talk to Dan and he has a 40-oz. Of Mickey’s in his hand. Will K. gave it to him at the door. Now that’s how you enter a room. Will was thanking Dan for the wine from the other day.

I finish off my beer. I see Will and start talking to him. I pore some of his beer into my cup. I hear about how Meagan is in her room being anti-social. I am tempted to say hello but I don’t want to make her night any worse by having to deal with a drunken ass like myself. With a Mohawk to top it off. Literally, there is a Mohawk topping me off.

I go into the den where there are usually a bunch of people dancing. I tell everyone in the room they should dance. I start shaking my ass but if I was leading the world in a massive game of Simon Says or follow the leader then the world would be full of people with ugly faces.

The music playing ends. I walk over to the CDs and choose what I know. Nirvana’s Nevermind. I see Ashley D. from my Poetry class and who also attended a Write Club meeting. I try to talk her into dancing but she is way too drunk. She has been possessed by the booze. She smiles at me with a menacing smile. Its crooked put her eyes are straight. She sits down between two guys on the couch. I don’t think the guys know her and she doesn’t know the guys. I keep watch on her to be sure she doesn’t get molested. Unless she wants to get molested. I want to get molested.

I take to Cameron and he tells me about the party he’s throwing next weekend. All right. We have a destination.

I outside by where the fire is and I see Jackson P. and Hoang N. Will is out there too. I don’t know why Will brings it up but he mentions my tendency to expose my penis. He mentions that I am not circumcised. He has already seen it. Why is he telling me this when I am drunk? I can make noise with my penis. In front of a group of about ten people I pull out my penis and proceed to make noises with it. I try to give a lesson in penis noises. It can only be done if you are uncut. People are horrified and entertained simultaneously. As a general rule people shouldn’t mention the crazy stuff I do when I am drunk because I am just going to do more drunken crazy stuff. It is a viscous circle and it usually involves my penis.

I then put my penis back in my pants and continue our conversation. We talk about how the bands in Davis suck. Jackson and Hoang will no longer be able to look at me and think, "I have not seen Rob Roy’s penis."

I go to the bathroom and start peeing. Then I stop myself and realize we are all out of booze. I’m practically pissing pure beer. I remember something I once heard, "Urine is sterile. You can drink it." So I pee in my cup. I get about three-quarters full. Then I take a sip. Not bad. Not even salty. It tastes like beer. I walk out of the bathroom and tell the same people that saw my penis that I am drinking my own urine. Josh doesn't believe me so he tries to take a sip. I tell him it really is my own urine. He gets it to his mouth and then Crystal pulls it away.

He tasted my pee.

In front of everyone I finish off the cup. Slowly. We are all out of booze. I need something to drink at parties otherwise I just dance around and expose myself.

The party begins to wind down early.

With Dan I go into Sophie’s room where Mike, Josh and Crystal are. Sophie is on her bed showing people a T-shirt that has a cartoon on this guy named Jeff. I know Jeff. He always talks about going to Sweden.

Sophie is into Jeff. She is very excited about his name. She isn’t dating Jeff, but if Jeff plays his cards right he could have some fun with Sophie tonight.

Dan sits down next to Sophie on the bed. He leans back and starts talking to her. I see Vee, the MC of the battle of the bands, and start talking to her about her Michael Jackson shirt. Neither of us can decide whether Off the Wall is better than Thriller. Vee likes Dangerous more than she likes Bad. I beg to differ. Sophie gets up and plays some Michael Jackson. Then she lies back on the bed with her head resting on Dan’s arm.

Jeff walks in. He has missed his opportunity. When a women is looking to score it is like a raffle. A lot of the times it is more about being at the right place at the right time. But you have to be present in order to collect your prizes. Jeff had her into him, he made an investment, but he wasn’t around at the right time to collect his dividends.

I take my shirt off and start dancing to the Music. Then I start doing my stand up comedy routine. After that I put on Madonna and start exposing my penis and making noises. Josh pulls down his pants and tries to make noises but he can’t. Crystal is upset that Josh is exposing his penis.

Jeff leaves. Maybe he realized he fucked up. Maybe he had penis envy. Maybe he had penis fear.

Sophie laughing at me. Women always laugh at my penis. Actually that is not true. Amazingly this is the first time.

Mike is laughing until he has to go home. He has to drive to Sacramento. I give him directions. I’m too drunk to drive but not to drunk to navigate. Even if my tallywacker is hanging out of my pants.

I get tired from dancing for about 45 minutes. I put my shirt back on and fasten my pants. I sit down on a chair and drift off into sleep at around 4 AM.

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