2003-06-04 - 3:01 p.m.

I just added a big entry about the other day, check it out at: Boobies and Bruises .

Also, check out some photos at Drunken Porno .

I wake up on Saturday morning on Chris C.'s couch. Despite the brief mild pummeling of my face there are no bruises. It's a rare thing for me to say, it's a good thing I didn't get drunk last night. Otherwise I may be waking up in the hospital, or in a gutter needing to be at a hospital.

But what do I have planned for the day? I plan on getting drunk.

First I go to KDVS to pick up my backpack. I see Scenery there. I figure that Diana (%%diary-dianabee%%) may have talked to her about how I think she doesn't like me, so I avoid her. I also avoid her because Gary S. is on the same room with her and Gary is a guy you try to avoid; otherwise you're losing a part of your lifetime. At least when I go on and on forever you can tell I'm following along to something, not Gary. He's been lost in his own world since the Nixon Administration.

I hang out there for a few hours. I write a letter to the Aggie that won't get published. I write a response to a column that talked about our parent's generation being countercultural because of pot smoking. I wrote about my father being blacklisted as a communist and that evolved into me talking about my exploits in destroying the prejudice of the KKK.

Eventually I drove over to Chestnut Park where the KDVS Bar-B-que party is being held at. I get there at a little after 3:30. Esa, Chris, Heather, Victoria, and a few more folk, are putting water into some balloons. They want me to help to help but I decline. Chris wants me to tell them to start up the grill. I walk over to where the party is. As I walk up I see there is a frat party right next to us. I see that Ben from KDVS is doing a keg stand. I ask how old Ben is. 17 years old it turns out. He homes over to me and says, "18 seconds, not too bad." That's a lot of booze.

Scenery comes up to me and asks if I want to continue our discussion on Henry Rollins. I say sure. It turns out Black Flag is one of her favorite bands, so that is why Rollins disappoints her when he talks bad about black Flag fans. I understand that. I talk to her about Rollins Band touring with Black Flag material and the latest Black Flag tribute album put out by Rollins. She says that she was having a bad day the other day. Now I feel like an ass. Sometimes I can be intense, especially when I'm drunk, and I was judging her by that. The only other time I really talked to her was when I was blabbering about the KKK on whole earth day. I think she started talking to me as soon as I arrived because she knew I would be sober. She's really pleasant to talk to. I've never seen her smile until now. I could more than respect a woman that's willing to have a conversation with me.

I ask her what is in her bag. There is a green plant that looks like a deformed piece of celery. She says it is a halabazoo. From Dr. Seuss. It does look like a Dr. Seuss character. She wants me to pass it along to someone else in a few minutes. We talk about the new Cat in the Hat film with Mike Myers. She didn’t know about it. Then we talk about the How the Grinch Stole Christmas with Jim Carey. My favorite line in the movie is, “Brilliant!!!!”

I see that there is beer at the party so I go over and start for the day. Its 3:30 pm.

When I open up my can Victoria and Heather look at me kind of worrisome. The one thing the KDVS family has is a large group of drunkards and I am one of the most consistent and noticeable members of that group. The other visible drunkards are Jaizi and Joe Friday, who holler at me, "Rob Roy." Joe already has his shirt off, which means he's had a head start on me because there is a possibility I may take my shirt off soon. Jaizi is wearing a pink tank top and shoes with pink laces, her pants are torn up, like she was attacked by a tiger, and the tears are everywhere - if she was wearing the pants while she was attacked by a tiger then she wouldn't be able to have children. She has to wear thermals underneath her pants; otherwise decency laws will be broken. But this is a KDVS bar-b-que so indecency is the standard.

I go over to Erica W. and start telling about the fight I was involved with last night. Then I give her the halabazoo and tell her to pass it on. Ben wanders around some more with his friend Kyle. They are laughing and offer me a drink Vodka from a water bottle. I smell the contents and decline. I have a long day of drinking ahead of me and it's not going to include potato juice because it's not going to include puking.

Mike from You know that know starts telling questionable jokes. I disgust people with my pedophile joke. Jaizi says she didn’t like it. Then I say my drunken woman joke. Jaizi says she doesn’t like it. Then I tell my drunken Scottish man joke. Everyone likes it. Chris doesn’t get it so I go over and explain it to him.

I see someone with a bottle of wine and I say I have some two-buck-Chuck Shaw in my car, I can go get it. They just nod their head and I'm off. I jog to my car and get a bottle of Merlot and of Cabernet Sauvignon. I come back and I open both of the bottles because I'm assuming that this group of motley radio personalities can down a liter and a half of wine.

I pour myself a glass and someone tells me I shouldn't mix wine and beer. I tell them that my stomach doesn't believe in segregation. I know that I shouldn't but if you're too responsible when you drink then it take away from the adventure of alcoholism. I start talking about the veggie patties that are sitting on the picnic table. I talk about how vegetarians aren't real people. Then marina says, "Aren't you a vegetarian?" I say, "Yes, but I'm ashamed of it." Someone then says, so you aren't a real person." I reply, "I'm only less than human." During my gesticulating I spill some of my wine, which is good because I didn't want to mix it too much with beer and I pour too much to start out with. I have high hopes for my drunkenness.

Ben comes up to me and asks if he wants to race in drinking a beer. I say sure and pick up a can. He has beer in a cup. I ask him how much of a head start he has had. He says one or two sips so I take two little sips. We ask a girl to count to three. We drink on three. I guzzle and spill on myself. Ben wins. The bastard took sips that were much bigger than mine because I never lose at an alcohol race.

I start talking to Erica and Angela and this guy comes over and introduces himself as Pedro. He recognizes me as the Write Club guy. We talks about the Third World Forum newspaper. He's drunk and while talk to him a water balloon assault begins. I don't get involved but Jordan throws one my direction from a good distance away and hits us. Annaleise is standing nearby and she gets wet. She gets very discouraged by this. I see Jordan laughing in the distance. All is fair at an end of the year bar-b-que. I hold no grudges, just gun handles.

The grill has started and I watch as they flip the hamburgers and the veggie patties. It's funny because about half of the people there are going to have a veggie patty. Vegetarians aren't half the population but there are some veggie-curious folk. I watch as Kyle flips a veggie patty on to the meet side and a meat patty onto the veggie side. I scream, "What are you doing?" It's finally been revealed that I actually am a rather strict ovo-lactarian. I squealed but I start shouting "segregation now, segregation forever, when it comes to meat and meatless patties." Kyle gets the point. Anne hears some of the commotion and she wants to know who messed up. I won't reveal the name. Marina wants to know too. I won't say who. I'll just say the message had been conveyed. Kyle already looks like he feels horrible. He's only 17, he doesn't need every person there yelling at him, he endured me and that was enough.

Jaizi and Joe have been drinking my wine. I'm glad it's being drunk.

I put on a patty for myself and there is talk about a piggy back ride race. I walk over to the group of people. I'm ready for someone to ride me. Nathan D. expresses interest in riding me so I'm desperately looking for a partner. I look at Scenery but I've been drinking so she looks slightly afraid of me now. I ask Jaizi where her partner is. She says, "Finckle bailed on her." I ask her if she wants to ride me and she accepts. We line up and Jaizi gets up on my shoulders. We start off behind everyone, but I have staying power so I catch up. We pass Paul and Marina and Esa and Anne, and we get a good distance ahead. Jaizi is yelling, "We're going to win Rob Roy. We're going to win." She begins to bounce, we fall down. Others pass by us. We come in second.

People want another race so Esa hops on my back and start going. Then Jaizi gets on his back and I take about a dozen steps then collapse.

Victoria tells me I should get my pogo stick. I go run to my car and get it. Everyone wants to pogo. I see Stephanie Arsenic and she hosts a show called the non stop pogo hop. She gets on the stick. She says she is more about how many hops then tricks. I’m all about the tricks. She mentions something called the switch where the handle is twisted 180 degrees mid air. I immediately start attempting it. I must master the pogo. I’m not that good at very many things so if I can do this, at least I’ll be have something to be proud of.

I have to go to the bathroom so I walk a few hundred feet to where the restrooms are. Joe is in the men's restroom so Jaizi suggests I use the woman's. I say, "I have a little bit of estrogen, so I guess I can." I walk in and start singing in my gravely drunkard voice. I've got just a splash of estrogen. Maybe I'll mix in with some gin and how about some tonic. I can get sonic-ly fucked up. Fucked up and drunk. And then by the midnight hour I'll have my twelfth whiskey sour. Yeah I'll be fucked up. Fucked up and drunk. I'm still singing when I walk out of the restroom. Jaizi and Joe suggest that I can be the singer in their band.

I walk back over and start helping with the wifel ball game that is being played. Rick E. is pitching and Heather K. is batting. I kneel down and play catcher for a little bit.

Then I walk over to the picnic table. Some people are starting a wine guzzling contest from the wine from the box. I join and I win each round. I have the might of many men in my liver - I am a drunkard, a booze hound, and a wino.

Ben comes up to me and wants to wrestle me. I agree to. I have already taken off my shirt. We prance around and then lunge at each other. I get him on the ground and we squirm around. I get me on his back and Esa is yelling that I need to get his shoulders on the ground. I do. Then I get up and Ben grabs me again. We go at it and I prevail. Drunken teenagers.

Esa, Jaizi, and Ben want to hop around in the bouncing pad on the other side of the park. We walk over there and it is filled with kids. They wait for it to exit and all the drunkard college kids filter in and hop, flop, hop, and drop.

It's about seven o clock and the party is winding down. I walk over and we help clean up. Joe puts on some Led Zeppelin and we fill up the trash can. Then we walk out to the street. I invite everyone to Cameron's party tonight.

So far I've been drinking for 4 hours, although I've put down the bottle for an hour so I can drive. I'll pick it up again in a matter of hours.

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